I swear on a stack of holy books that once in the summer, I’ve seen a raccoon in my driveway looking for food and it was as big as a young retriever.

In his college days, my husband would put his trash bags on the balcony of his 5th floor apartment to take them to the dumpster when he was actually going downstairs. That bad habit was abruptly rectified when Rocco the Raccoon showed his beady little eyes on that balcony. The kicker is my husband lived on the…

Seriously can’t believe they just ripped my baby out of my womb, stitched it back up, and handed him to me. If I had any respect I would have just died in childbirth like god and Pat Robertson intended.

Don’t you know? Exactly 24 hours before being born, the baby sends you certified mail informing you it’s about to arrive. And it’s helpful because experts know that this is the best time to perform abortions.

I wouldn’t have to rip them if they weren’t so expensive on iTunes.

Back in my bank robbing days we used to spray eau de ham sandwich around the edges of the vault and set free the raccoons. Within ten minutes flat they’d have that sucker open. True story.

Pretty sure this is how Cats started out - slightly annoying creatures on the periphery of our lives eating shit we didn’t want (like Rodents). Give it another couple of hundred years and Raccoons will self-domesticate. Won’t be long before there are ‘Raccoon shows’ and ‘Raccoon Breeders’. It’s already happening with…

It’s scared shitless?

Nah, John Awesome is a skater punk name. Like his first booties were by Vans. Tony Hawk is his Godfather. He can’t remember his social security number but knows every NOFX lyric ever wrote.

Does he even acknowledge

I saw Goody Clinton in the graveyard with voter registration forms.

That’s no less mainstream except for maybe naked, young, Mrs Ted Turner.

If Ain’t broke...

Great and hilarious.

They really do great work.

Gah. The mothers, daughters, etc trope makes me so angry. In a way, angrier than Drumpf’s comments.  we shouldn’t be surprised by his comment. He’s a flaming shitbag. If this is what it took for anyone to unendorse him, then fine, but don’t think you’re getting a cookie for it. The damage is done... he is your nominee.

J.K. Rowling @jk_rowling

It’s just cereal bowl talk, folks.

“Women are to be championed and revered,”says Paul Ryan who still endorses Trump as the GOP nominee for President

evangelical host Pat Robertson said that Trump was “just trying to look macho.”