So....what are you going to do about it?

Are you in actual therapy?

It sounds like you have a bigger problem with lack of self confidence than you do with awkwardness.

You beat me to it!!

Are you asking me out? I accept.

I wonder if he fornicates by himself.

No fornication for life? At least we know he's not going to breed. Silver lining!

Do you hate yourself?

BE COOL, MAN. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF ALL THESE RANDOM INTERNET STRANGERS!

The last time I was at Applebee's it was at the behest of a six year old who ended up vomiting all over the table during lunch. No one batted an eye. It must be a pretty common occurrence at the 'bee's.

Applebee's is the worst of all the casual dining chains. A bold statement, I know.

I'll write a dirtbag about how I just creepily Internet stalked the new Jezebel writer because I'm not the nosiest person in the entire world. I also never exaggerate.

Let the wild speculation begin! My Internet sleuthing tells me that Mark is a friend of Laura Beck, which makes him aces in my book.

I've often wondered how your name is pronounced. In my head it sounds like "dough die." Apologies if that's way off.

Brilliant! I stayed sober last night and drove a couple of drunk friends home at around 2 am. All I could think the entire ride home was "is this how I am when I'm drunk?! How obnoxious!!"

I'd say it's probably the latter. You may want to invest in some combination of flannel sheets, a thick down comforter and an electric blanket.

Do you have anyone you can call? I find that reaching out and having any kind of human connection when I'm feeling like you do goes a long way towards improving my mood. You don't have to talk about how you're feeling if you don't want to. Maybe just call a funny friend and ask them to tell you a story.

Yes, I think he was trying to avoid an unnecessary pile-on, which is understandable.

I think Doug probably wants to make sure that people realize he didn't know that Uncle Phil was dead when he wrote that joke.

Ugh. Who's next, Leann and Eddie? Does true love even exist anymore?