I love my microwave and I love my toaster oven. I will never get rid of either!

Why is it that *most* people who go on about "self respect" when it comes to the way girls dress are the ones who like to put ALL the onus on girls and none of it on boys.

I work in an office where the clothing ranges from t-shirts, hoodies and jeans (unisex) up to sport coats and dress pants (for men) and business casual dresses (for women). And nobody wears the same type of clothes everyday. T-shirt one day, skirt suit the next. You can't be non-conformists because there's no…

Imma let you finish, but the best drug PSA of all time is "I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!"

I got one for men, unless you want to look like a kid playing dress-up pay the extra money and get a suit that FITS!!! That means the jacket too!

Surprised he had any money left after his relationship with that Nigerian prince a few years back.

How dare you make me choose between red and white wine. It's like picking a favorite child. I'm pretty sure this is going to traumatize me.

"We believe Texas women want and deserve equal pay. But honestly, Jason, we don't believe the Lily Ledbetter Act is what's going to solve that problem for women. We believe women want real-world solutions to this problem, not more rhetoric."

No. I used to think so, but now I think she's gonna pull a Keith Richards and live forever while getting progressively more wizened and leathery until she resembles an old boozed-up crackhead Galapagos tortoise.

She is in the same financial situation I hope Justin Bieber finds himself in very soon.

I feel for ya. One time I was at a nice restaurant, and had to run to the bathroom for #2. I didn't realize the toilet was clogged with paper before going. When I flushed, the toilet started gushing water & flooded the entire bathroom. I somehow pulled ninja moves to get out of there, and no one knew I was the one in…

I was at Monster Jam with my family when all of the sudden I started to feel really gross. I made it to the bathroom and since it was before intermission it was empty. I went all the way to the back stalls where the light was out. I had explosive well, you know. And it did not smell good. Pale and shaking I walk out,…

America, say hello to your expert on pediatric health!

The top half of the bracket could be called "college" and the bottom half "working life."

Bath salts vs. krokodil was the final matchup in the hobo's bracket, narrowly beating out pizza crusts and a can of beans.

I remember when I was about 14, smoking weed with my friend and her brother, he told us that there was an island where the Canadian government (we're Canadian) were testing super soldiers. They would give them PCP and then cut off their heads and they would live for days. We totally bought this. So that's why I'm…

What I find absolutely hilarious is that looking at those covers side by side, they're just so boring. Everything is shot the same way, with too much flash. A lot of the poses are quite similar, as are the various states of undress for the women.

If men could get pregnant they'd be able to have drive-through abortions on-demand and drink morning after beer.

Her body may be amazing, but her personality sucks ass. I'll keep my personality and curves if being skinny means I have to judge other moms.