Poor kids.

Apples & Dildos is my new band name.

Well, I GUESS YOU HATE HAPPINESS.

Infusions are fine. Cucumber/Thai basil makes a killer martini. It's the artificially sweetened and flavored crap vodkas that are the problem.

Jesus, I don't think I can handle it if the real number is higher.

I disapprove of tucking. I'm an anti-tucker! First thing I do when I get to a (my) hotel room is to untuck that shiz! A tucked bed is a foot jail. I am not a mummy!

This is my absolute favorite early clip of her:

It took me far too long to embrace skinny jeans, since I thought only skinny people could pull them off. But no, every woman can. They can pry my skinny jeans from my cold, dead hands. I'm assuming that since I turned 30 while they were in style, they're the new "mom jeans," meaning I can wear them for the rest of my…

I would beg to differ—you must be getting some pretty stepped on coke. I was in treatment 3 times in 1999 for coke so I have done a bit back in the past. I'd say the first big rip feels like you're walking onstage to accept a Nobel Prize while naked in front of an audience of thousands of the most beautiful people on…

I get that you're coming from a good place, but the idea of limiting what the media should or shouldn't cover gives me creepy censorship vibes. Also, I think it's a really good idea to cover police actions like this because then they have to be accountable for what they do. They idea of chasing off media cameras when…

Goop, Part Deux. Electric Boogaloo.

No way San Bernardino is more stressed than the ATL. You bitches have dispensaries, and Atlanta is- well Atlanta is in Georgia. Plus, much like the M25, I'm positive demons had a hand in designing 285.

I just want his mouth on me, gum or no.

I'm on okay to excellent terms with 87-92% of my exes, but I can't even imagine the layer cake of go-fuck-yourself I'd shove their faces in should any one of them have the pimply nutsack to make that phone call. It just reeks of one of those things that guys think is a noble, altruistic, kindhearted idea but is…

I was dating this pizza delivery girl that had just came to America from Kerplunkerstan that really only knew the bare minimum amount of English one would need to make and deliver pizza. We bonded over drinking, sex, and Kung Fu movies (without subtitles, neither of us really knew what was going on). One day I was…

Grad school, winter break I go to visit a friend from college. We end up crashing at her boyfriend's place one evening. Her boyfriend's roommate was a Marine, had just gotten back to the states after being deployed for over a year.... Yada, yada, yada, the sex was good but having a man eat out your pussy after he's…

uuuuf. I am so, so sorry that you are having this particular soul-crushing fight.

it's fake.

OK, since I'm already getting my inbox flooded elsewhere, why not double the fun? (Note: feel free to ignore this, I'm venting because I'm in a shitty mood.)