Coming soon: the Chrysler Town and Cuntry

He’s making a perfectly cromulent point in the rest of the column, but I didn’t absorb any of it because that one trainwreck paragraph had me curled in a ball under my desk.

the fact that you were in 6th grade in 2000 makes me want to crawl into the yawning grave and scoop dirt onto myself

For what it’s worth, I laughed, and I didn’t think it was possible for this meme to mine any more laughs out of me. So, good job!

In my experience, at least half of people getting a 15" class machine are doing so expressly b/c they want or need a numeric keypad (i.e. anyone who has to use Excel for a living in any capacity), so this thing fails out of the gate.

Okay, but people pay $300K for memberships to his golf course. If I invite you over to my house for Christmas and take a dump on the rug, sure it’s technically still my call, but I’m also a huge dick for doing so.

It also has the limited edition side mounted Suburu.

I believe ramming someone with your car means you’re not being passive aggressive anymore.

They look like the final opponents in a minor league hockey movie starring Channing Tatum, Alden Ehrenreich, and Michael B. Jordan called Third Line.

This is all a plot by the Republicans to make it appear that Trump isn’t the most senile person in Washington DC.

It should be noted that my math was wrong. I calculated the are off the diameter and not the radius. So all values are off by 4 times. So just divide all my forces by 4.

Crosby has been in the public eye in Canada for about 14 years now. If he has any real interests in anything other than hockey I don’t know if it’s ever been mentioned. If he’s passionate about anything or is even aware of the world around him it’s never gotten much time.

All. The. Salt.

Tonight’s 3 Stars of the Game:

I honestly believe that the amount of value I get out of using Google’s free services is well worth them guzzling my personal data. This isn’t a “what do you have to hide” argument against privacy or anything, but literally a value exchange.

Jar Jar Binks wakes up in his bedroom, turns to Suzanne Pleshette and says, “You-sa wont be believin’ the crazy dream meesa just had!”

the ocean is fucked up

You might think that by saying, “I don’t hate this phone,” I’m damning the KeyOne with faint praise. And you’re sort of right. But given how long it has been since BlackBerry had a genuinely good phone, the fact that I not only didn’t hate it, I kinda dug it, is notable. I think the last time I gave a BlackBerry a…

Awesome.

For version 2.0, there should be a "puck is within 20ft of net" option that doubles the volume and pace.