Coming soon: the Chrysler Town and Cuntry

He’s making a perfectly cromulent point in the rest of the column, but I didn’t absorb any of it because that one trainwreck paragraph had me curled in a ball under my desk.

the fact that you were in 6th grade in 2000 makes me want to crawl into the yawning grave and scoop dirt onto myself

Okay, but people pay $300K for memberships to his golf course. If I invite you over to my house for Christmas and take a dump on the rug, sure it’s technically still my call, but I’m also a huge dick for doing so.

It also has the limited edition side mounted Suburu.

I believe ramming someone with your car means you’re not being passive aggressive anymore.

They look like the final opponents in a minor league hockey movie starring Channing Tatum, Alden Ehrenreich, and Michael B. Jordan called Third Line.

This is all a plot by the Republicans to make it appear that Trump isn’t the most senile person in Washington DC.

It should be noted that my math was wrong. I calculated the are off the diameter and not the radius. So all values are off by 4 times. So just divide all my forces by 4.

Crosby has been in the public eye in Canada for about 14 years now. If he has any real interests in anything other than hockey I don’t know if it’s ever been mentioned. If he’s passionate about anything or is even aware of the world around him it’s never gotten much time.

All. The. Salt.

Tonight’s 3 Stars of the Game:

the ocean is fucked up

“shared autonomy”

Needs more headlights.

I know how he feels, I got drunk and thought I could make a ball bearing Blizzard, the machine blew up and DQ is garnishing my wages at a 99% clip to cover the loss.

Caps fans are the worst

It’s my favorite annual rite of spring: the Penguins ripping the heart out of Capitals’ fans collective chest, in the most painful way possible.

Folks, this is what happens when you demand Deadspin stick to sports.

Awesome.

For version 2.0, there should be a "puck is within 20ft of net" option that doubles the volume and pace.