I love that the "Jupiter" of the title is not the planet, or a god: It's just the name of Mila Kunis' character. Which means this could have conceivably been called "Martha Ascending" or "Kaitlin Ascending."

Pictured: the Deadspin comment section

(They're in the) Cold Case

This got too racist for me to continue.

Because this interview should be referenced whenever Plies comes up in any context, here is his explanation of his rap name in Vibe magazine:

I actually shook hands with him earlier this year. It was exceedingly cordial.

Now that he oversees an empire, Simmons says he doesn't care as much about Boston teams. "It's not life-or-death anymore," he says with a shrug.

Sounds like a Stern reply.

umm yes. This is hard proof that he's a racist. Versus allegations in Elgin Baylor's suit and a settlement in which he probably didn't admit guilt.

If there's any complaint I have about Simmons it's that via volume and longevity, his schtick just got old, and others took it's best parts and made better versions of it. And I don't particularly begrudge him for that.

Where you see "obvious excuse", I see "legally-sound justification".

Have you ever even fucking read the First Amendment? It begins "Congress shall make no law....." The 1st Amendment protection of free speech only applies to the GOVERNMENT, dumbass. It does not protect private individuals from private reprisals at the hands of private institutions that associate with them. Sterling is…

This again. Freedom of Speech does not protect you from other people getting mad about what you say. Freedom of Speech, as some kind of general principle allowing you to be an asshole and having everyone just stand back and pretend like it's not happening, is not a thing.

Don, Clod, Banned, Damn

The study exists, it's called South Park S15E04 - "T.M.I"

OK, you can fire Grierson and Leitch now.

Absolutely. I have no doubt that Michael would have made Lebron pay for that on the court. Lebron is great, but he just didn't have the insane single-mindedness to humiliate his opponents the way Michael did. It's one thing to win rings in the watered-down NBA. It was another altogether back then.

Sosa's the last person I'd expect to be whitewashed.

So. Much. Whoosh.