In my 20 years of gay male sex having, I think maybe 1 time out of ten has been in the morning, and usually those were when he or I (or both!) were too drunk to get ‘er done the night before. And I’ve never known anyone to complain about the lack of morning sex, so...

The worst part about morning sex is walking around with leaky semen panties all day.

I learned the news when I went out to get drinks with my friend. She asked me how I was ‘taking it,’ and I was drunk and like, “taking what~~~”

I believe historians will give Obama’s presidency 4 out of 5 drone strikes.

My dad was like that. I love brussels sprouts know, but hated them growing up. One time when I was 6 he told me that I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until I had eaten all my sprouts.

I await the version of this for adults with child-like pickiness.

I was trying to explain the concept of being afraid of men to my husband the other night when he mentioned how nice it was that this woman on the train was being so nice to this loud drunk guy. I said she was probably afraid of him; he said she was just being nice. I said she was being nice so he would not…

The only cat calls I accept.

Sincere question: why can’t they just attend your wedding and show their love and support in their own way without all the formality. Personally, I’d much rather spend my time and energy putting together a nicer gift!

Shit. I’m a guy and my fiancee and I are currently building our wedding party... and right now we’re at six groomsfolk and six bridesfolk. Apparently 43% of you think that’s too many! What can we do, though? She comes from a big family, and I want my friends with me.

“Thanos is just the laziest dude in the universe.”

My ex thought it was a good idea to move to another state and hide from child support. Since he had such a consistent history of cheating I thought it would be easy to track him down on Craigslist’s Missed Connections. Someone had to know him because he had penis and it did wander. A lot. He also loved to make sure…

Right up there with “tried to keep fucking”. NEVER WORKS.

Oh God, yes. I have been reading through these stories thinking “You mean everyone else didn’t just devolve into a sad sack of tears and hibernate for a few months? It’s just me?”

I dated a guy in law school who broke up with me, on Valentine’s Day, in a fancy French restaurant. Apparently he thought I would not make a scene in public. Apparently he had learned shit about me in that year we dated. I bounced a bowl of fancy little French pickles off his forehead, one by one, and the waiter…

Yeah, I’ve definitely been there. To be fair, I’ve attempted suicide a couple times, so I feel like it’s coming from a place of exasperated practicality when I’ve used it.

The asshole cheated and then broke up with me before I could dump him. And I was very angry so I called him a few weeks later and said I was pregnant. I let him stew for a week and then told him I needed $500 for an abortion. He paid and I took my best friend on a road trip and had the best damn time EVER

Craziest thing I’ve done after a breakup? Gained 40 lbs, had sex once and a mental breakdown twice.

This was during the “pack your shit and get THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” part, but he was threatening to kill himself.