my parents used to beat me pretty good. Same with a lot of my friends. Some of my friends will say that the fact that we all turned out to be decent law abiding is proof that beatings work. However, sometimes I feel like the reason I'm not a murderer has absolutely nothing to do with any beatings I took as a child. If…

Fill them with existential dread that their lives are meaningless when they misbehave?

Everyone take a moment and savor Leto's transformation with me, Jezzies. I was recently dumped by a stupidly hot man-child who styled himself largely after Mr. Leto (devastating in the pants department) and who more or less held Leto as the only man-crush in his life. He more or less modeled his life, look and music…

I'm really glad I saw him in OITNB before seeing him in HTGAWM because I kinda love him in one and kinda hate him in the other.

The invitations to my November 2001 wedding were mailed on September 10, 2001. The wedding venue? Windows on the World.

Ugh, tell me about it. I still love a guy with whom things ended four years ago, and with whom I have not spoken at all in nearly two years. I think about him, I worry about him — I don't want him back, exactly, but he is always and forever there.

In my experience, you can be friends with your exes granted you didn't care too much for them in the first place.

Yes, it's weird when people want attention, and do everything they can to impress strangers, actress.

I still don't understand how/why Paul Rudd didn't take home an Oscar for WHAS.

Also, my boyfriend constantly makes fun of me for not liking hot dogs when he has literally written off an entire continent's worth of food (Asia).

"I didn't understand it, so I put it on my body for the rest of my life."

I also don't really want to know the specifics of anyone's sex life, except people with whom I am having sex. Like, I'm fine talking to my friends about things in the hypothetical (one time this happened, I like this, what about this common sexual experience?), even in graphic detail, but I don't really want to know,…

Oh, and

and yells at Lily to quit being a child, as he throws a tantrum and tosses shit around. Look in a mirror, guy.

Are you sure? Because I was under the impression that human females, much like cephalopods with their ink, often react to stress and anxiety by shooting a cloud of blood out of their body then making a hasty retreat. It protects the human women from predators and also looks really cool.

That's just, like, science.…

I dunno... maybe she just shouldn't have swallowed that IUD in the first place.

Instead of releasing her medical records she should just present them with the IUD they removed, preferably still covered in blood and bits of her uterine wall.

Jimmy Fallon is not, never was, will never be, funny. Ever. A bad stand-up, terrible SNL cast member, horrible actor, boring late night host, and now he is the host of arguably the most coveted talk show on TV? How does one person fail upward so much?

I'm slow on the uptake this morning. Does this mean Christina Aguilera is Jezebel approved? I have such a hard time remembering which female pop singers are approved and which are not, beyond knowing Jezebel loves Beyonce more than the Deadspin writers love swinging from the nuts of any random NBA player you can pick,…