Another option is to put a stapler beneath your sternum. Count the staples on the floor after you are done and that is how many pushups you did

Despite this being 2017, it took me a minute to realize you meant the Secret Service and weren’t referring to the Nazi military group.

Next jackass who tells me Hillary was a traitor because she might not have been perfect about her emails gets ripped a new one.

...so I could feel a little more like a human, rather than a rabid animal shoveling pink, cheese-filled meat into my mouth with no thought of decorum or decency.

It wasn’t a conscious strategy, but I’ve used with dieting. It never worked. I eventually get so hungry I say “fuck it, no one really cares if I lose ten pounds but me OM NOM NOM NOM NOM PIZZA.”

My husband hates wine unless it’s a sweet Riesling or some awful Moscato.

As opposed to introducing one’s self, it might be a little different if you started out with a little small talk, “Have you had the chai latte here? Is it any good?

DËNMÄKŔ

The photos of the bloodbath are beginning to now surface:

DENMAKR is a dating app that describes itself as being “for Bob Villa types.”

It hit the target, so it wasn’t Osweiler

One summer I had a horrible bout of bronchitis and was home alone for a weekend, I lived off a bag of frozen potstickers from Costco while binge watching Top Chef. Basically, dumplings saved my life.

I think a great way to tell if the person you’re talking to saw ground combat is how eager they are to push the military option. Granted not everyone is the same, but my grandpa (on a minesweeper in Pearl Harbor when it was bombed), my dad (tunnel rat in Vietnam), and a close friend of mine (marine in Iraq mid-2000s),…

Its black history month so let me take this opportunity to talk about me and how unfair the press is and let me name check a few token well-known black folks, inner cities and scene.

How about we restrict cars to track weekends and replace all mass-transit with trains, trams and buses?

“only obey the road rules when they want to” - You mean like how most drivers speed, talk/text while driving even in states where it’s a violation and many roll stop signs?

It took me a moment to get past “ass butter”

It’s funny, the question about the farthest you have been from someone? Somehow the answer to that question is Wyoming. You could have been alone and lost at sea and the answer would still somehow be Wyoming.

God damn it, Drew. LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING, ASSHOLE.

“I haven’t paid much attention. I’m just a positive person.”