lolwut

I doubt that helped. Or maybe it helped in all the right ways.

Sweet baby Jeebus, I much prefer being an employee.

I didn’t do anything special when I was upgraded that one glorious time.

Oh, Tampa has had its fun share of ridiculous nicknames.

And here, I’m the opposite. Juleps taste like I just brushed my teeth before committing to my daily dose of alcoholism.

Finally, someone who gets it. Samoas are the fucking best ever. I swear I hear a chorus of angels every time I open a box. And when I nuke them in the microwave for maybe 5 seconds so they’re just barely gooey?

I would watch the bejeebus out of all these movies. I think the seamstress dreaming of being a singer and the WWII love story grab me the most, though

After countless arguments, spats, and just general resentment on my part when my husband kept not doing anything around the home while still expecting me to cook and clean while I had two jobs, I forced him to sit down and write out his expectations of me as his partner, while I would populate a list of my…

I was a recipient of such a gift-buying process last year, and I was so pleasantly surprised at how simple yet amazing the gift we all received was. My sister-in-law bought us all Utili-Keys, and my husband and I both adore ours. Once I whipped mine out at a wedding to help with something, the bride’s mother was so…

We had a small panic before the impending shutdown two years ago with my husband’s pay. That emergency measure was passed to ensure military personnel were still paid. So we at least got to breathe easier... Until I realized, “Motherfuckers. You bothered to pass an emergency measure just so you could contue your hissy…

They act like the end of the fiscal year is such a sudden surprise with all this last-minute bullshit. IT LITERALLY HAPPENS ON THE SAME DAY EVERY YEAR, GUYS. Your job is to set the budget. You have all year to plan.

Is our local stripper population more excited or more scared that Winston is coming to town? Strap in, ladies — it’s going to be a weird ride.

37?! In a row?

And you knit? Cheers to you, citizen. I haven’t knit in a few years — I might have gotten burnt out when friends who found out I could knit commissioned me to make Fourth Doctor scarves. Seriously, three in a row. Yikes.

Really, Nike DryFit? I’m a horrible stankbeast when I sweat, so anything that’ll save the olfactory dispositions of those around me is something I need to look into.

Heck yes Chuck Taylors. They’re my favorite lifting shoes (and sometimes I run in them when I forget my running shoes and of course I end up hating myself). I don’t want any heel elevation when I do my squats, yo. And shirts from local breweries, because my other hobby after lifting is drinking beer.

I have a few, depending on the crowd. If it’s a full house with older people who are a little drunk, I’ll slay them with my rendition of “Rocket Man” in the style of William Shatner. But in a quiet bar, it flops.

Old Navy: That is a trilby, not a fedora, you uncultured swine.

“No amount of vacuuming, air-freshening, laundering, or outright bleaching will banish the insidious juniper reek of feline; a cat house smells like a cat house, and for this we can be grateful, because it lets us know not to go there.”