The most biting Onion headline I ever read was:

Maybe she took her own advice and gave up her career?

When I was married in 2008 in Indiana, we both had to be checked for syphilis. I remember because the doctor commented that the test he was required to use was pretty old, but that it was enshrined in state law. I honestly didn't think much about it; you accept the reality you're presented with, I guess.

Absolutely. I think a lot of people only really think about these things if someone they care about is assaulted or killed.

I think the lobby is dishonest and sinister, but many grass roots supporters are just deluded.

During my years in the ticket booth at a local theater, I refused precisely one person entry for being too young. And I only refused him because (without my prompting) he held up someone's license with his hand completely covering the picture. I wouldn't have even asked to see it, but if you're going to treat me like…

I'm glad that you wrote this.

"How's it feel, Heather? What IS your damage?"

Franzen's novel Freedom, which was about a family who has Secrets and Feelings

How do you freeload on a social movement? Do you crash on its couch and eat all the leftovers?

"You know, we oughta go after that hipster demographic; I hear lots of them are Libertarians, and they all wear vintage clothes, so you know they respect tradition. Find me a hipster to reel 'em in; some guy with a web site."

It's not like Jesus told his disciples to have common property, or his followers to give their wealth to the poor...

In all seriousness, he's actually right: there is a reverse glass ceiling (i.e. a glass floor) for privileged people such as himself. Unless they really, really screw up, they will never fall too far from the privilege they are born into. We don't talk about this aspect of inequality as much as the other, but I think…

The truly sad thing about that commercial, though? It probably worked. Even given that anyone with more brain cells than teeth know it's a piece of shit ad, it probably still encouraged idiots to run out and buy Budweiser.

The "rock, paper, scissors" argument also conflates the individual play with the aggregate of many plays (i.e the ecological fallacy). Some amount of randomization over a great many plays will improve a team's success, but this does not mean that any given play (or short sequence of plays) will be more successful if…

COTD.

"It looks to me now like sex with an unconscious person is, by definition, rape," he said. "I hope this wouldn't happen, but this opens the door to it: an individual has sex with their wife while she is unconscious — or he, the only other way around, if that's possible, I don't know. But a prosecutor could then…

Per the late, great Erma Bombeck:

"Knock knock"

It is just perfect drunk logic, isn't it?