Captain Harlot is a thing that must happen now, please and thank you

Instead of reading these things through, I've been reading the Fifty Shades of Abuse recaps on Wordpress. It's the only way to win — I now know precisely what shittily written scenes have people so enthralled, I have a deeper understanding of the cycle of abuse, and I now understand explicitly why my students' love…

yeah...and even worse, they're all teenagers who think the love story is AMAAAAAAZING.

I was giving Drew Lachey a massage pre-Dancing With The Stars performance, and Joey Fatone tiptoed in, held his finger to his lips with an evil grin, and grabbed Drew's ass as he lay there on the table, face down. Obviously he wanted to make Drew think it was me. I guess by then Drew was pretty down with Joey's…

Two thoughts:

YOU THERE! I like you. Does your stalker have a stalker? Because I could free up some time.

Meh, keep your Stiltons. My customers want X-14. (If you get this joke, I love you. Seriously, that book is prescient about things that should not be possible. Global Standard Deity will be a thing next, just wait and see.)

Wow. We as a society are just going full-on Roxie Hart, aren't we?

(Practicing my consolation speech to Mr. Sparks, ahem.) Well, Nicky, it's a shame to say it, but clearly you were from too different worlds. You were just born on the wrong side of the tracks. And sure, she was yearning for excitement and romance but you have your fun and then it ends. Because you just can't reconcile…

I cannot wait to see this film this week...and yet, I know I have to prepare myself for the inevitable: people who will speak reverently of Dr. King's bravery in the face of bad people and oppression, and then point out how those protestors these days are just troublemakers and are making things worse and should just…

Oh my God, they're Secret Burgers. It's happening.

This is hard-hitting stuff, Mark. You know, so many writers interview celebs and just write cheery puff pieces, but we got to see INSIDE the world of Grumpy Cat. AND you have now made me very concerned that GCat's fame may be going to her head. "Is she always this docile? Perhaps after a bit of pharmacological help,…

DQ was the only fast food joint in my hometown, other than a Pizza Inn, so naturally DQ tacos are the reason I'm still alive.

Agreed.

Comic Sans is an affront to all human decency and virtue. It, together with its evil sidekick Courier New, are out to destroy the fabric of society as we know it.

"All you people out there just don't understand — I coulda had class! I coulda been a contender! I coulda been somebody! Instead of a bum, which is what I turned out to be. You was my brother, Charlie..."

As I was reading these and shaking my head in alternating horror and amusement, I realized that oddly enough, I had a pretty good story to add here. It was surprising to me, because I recall my wedding as being beautiful — I had a wonderful time and it is one of the best memories I have.

(For #3) Anecdata ahoy, but my bipolar husband used to get angry at me and pick a huge fight over minor issues every 3 months. It got to where I knew when we were due for one, or when it felt like a 'danger time.' He would get very angry, not talk to me unless he had to for about 2 days, and then he'd cycle back to…

I would have caught her eventually, if I could stop dropping my coffee and having inane chats in the elevator. Quick, to the pocket encyclopedia!