So he begins by describing how meticulously he it at selecting the right balls yet has no fucking clue about those balls once the game starts.

"Maybe they should read the rule book." -Tom Brady last week in reply to complaints about the Patriots' unique formations against the Ravens.

Bet they put a bounty on that third wife.

"I almost foam at the mouth in disgust, but I try to be pleasant."

My engagement ended after my cheating high school sweetheart called me by another woman's name. So I threw the ring onto Interstate 70, which ran behind my parents' house in Indianapolis. It was just a simple claddagh ring, so I don't feel so bad about my decision to do it. But I think about it every time I take 70…

My ring is made out of organically-grown, free-range lentils and the artisans who made it actually paid me to take it off their hands.

I tried to return my ring to my ex, and was told to keep it. A few months later, I ran into some money problems and tried to sell it on craigslist where I ALMOST became the victim of the most obvious internet scam ever (what can I say, times were rough, I was young and pretty dumb). I posted the ring for 3/4 of its…

I usually take off my cutoffs when I masturbate, less wrist chafing... Maybe she's actually a never-nude and all the video and pictures of her wearing less is actually a body double. Whatever the case, keep being your edgy self, Miley.

There is also concern that when he performs or attends at some of his public events, people will get shot or seriously injured.

Being my friend's maid of honour was one of the singularly awful experiences of my life. She brought me to tears twice on the wedding day itself

I also didn't realize the extent until I entered the workforce. I remember distinctly the moment I reached full on "What the fuck?!" level. I was in the elevator with several male partners of the law firm where I was working at the time. There was a female partner who'd had a baby about 6 months before. Her husband…

No "I'm sorry I fucked you before we were ready for children"? Or "I'm sorry I fucked you without a condom and enough spermicide to choke an elephant"?

I've just realised what Taylor reminds me of... She always talks like Cady's Spring Fling speech. "Emma Gerber, that hair do must have taken hours and you look really pretty."

Jesus was always fucking with people at their funerals. He would act all nice and merciful to your face and if you died He would ask to speak at your funeral like He really cared about you. Then He would get up to the podium and just roast the shit out of you with a bunch of racist, homophobic slurs too vile to type.…

in re: requested memo-

Sigh...

I got dismissed from a wedding party once, but there wasn't any drama around it. A friend asked me to be a bridesmaid, I helped her organize some of the wedding stuff and a few weeks before the wedding she came to me to apologise that I wouldn't be in the wedding party after all for financial reasons on her side.

When my sister got married I wasn't in the bridal party so I offerred to play piano for the ceremony. I've done several weddings in the past and she loved the idea...at first. She said she wanted to walk down the aisle to the Feather Theme from Forrest Gump (I've done weirder) and I purchased and learned the music for…