My list. You can be dead or fictional, but not both.

Hahahahaha sure dude, we’ll split off and be a state called Chicagoland, and you all can live in “OMG holy shit we have no money for anything”. Enjoy that.

Rumour has it, she’s also having an affair with Donald. Many people are saying this. Many very fine people are saying this.

They did already, I think it’s called the SEC or something.

Oh buddy, how wrong you are.

Carroll initially attempted to downplay the incident, saying flying attacks are commonly overblown in the media.

I bet you’re fun at parties.

Making fun of his weight is just picking low hanging fruit, which Christie would never touch, unless it’s covered in chocolate or filling a pie; because he’s a fatty fatty 2x4, can’t fit through the kitchen door.

This is exactly why I don’t play in the summer league.

“LeBron, is this a case of where you have to defend home court at this point?”

We debated this one for a while trying to parse out Scherzer’s exact string of words, though some of them are pretty obvious. I think we’ve settled on “fucking bastard motherfucking bitch motherfucker” and now I can’t see it any other way.

Drunken fuck-fest at a local pub while disguised as Tilda Swinton.

A roster note from the white team, number 1 was not in the net after the first intermission and has suffered an upper body injury. His return is highly doubtful.

So many of my comments in real life and here and elsewhere on the web boil down to “Jesus, look at this fucking asshole right here”, and I mean to one day change that and cleanse myself of this all-consuming hatred, but Jesus, look at this asshole right here.

What a brazen play to be appointed Secretary of Eugenics. Heard the position is still open.

Kobe Bryant used “Defendant” when checking into hotel rooms.

Wow, this guy just can’t stop killing people. 

BUT! It involves a rich guy! So Deadspin cannot advocate on his behalf. Rich and successful = evil around here!

All things considered this is actually pretty cool and good?

It’s the Browns. This is like Schrödinger’s Draft Pick. Whoever they choose has a 50% chance of being a dead cat.