Oof.

I guess the guy who killed the kids in Houston was unavailable.

Cheese sauce is optimal. I’m talking your pretzels got splashed and wet. Heartbreaking.

Wet pretzels, yuck.

Gluten ain’t the enemy.

The cats appreciated it, though.

Good! I hate Walmart. Consider it the Sam Walton Memorial Scholarship.

You were always well intentioned. And I really liked The Cabin in the Woods.

My daughter sucked her thumb until she was three. All of a sudden, I hear a horrified shriek. “Why aren’t my thumbs the same?” I explained to her sucking made a huge callous on her thumb, and her nail was paper thin due to being wet all the time. If she wanted her thumbs to be the same, she’d have to quit the habit.…

I’m pretty impressed a toddler wanted fruit. How can a cashier say no to that?

Years ago, I completed my shopping trip at Target. When I put my young daughter in the car, I realized she was holding onto a Barbie, the same Barbie she held throughout our shopping trip. I had intended to pay for it, but forgot all about it, because it wasn’t in the cart. It would have been a hassle to go back in,…

I have a boy and a girl. And I was glad to have a house with a toy kitchen and dump trucks. And the kids played with both equally.

I bought the lavender wreath in spring. I live in Phoenix, and the heat has really made it lose its color. Next month, I plan on spray painting it a pretty orange and hanging it back up.

For me, it’s Smith and Hawken. That aisle always calls to me.

Gross.

Hey, thanks for taking one for the team.

Just pretend this is a gif of someone mooning. I don’t want that in my search history.

I always wondered why neither girl showed any resemblance to their father. Aw, they used to.

Well, Lena, I spent the morning at the MVD, the Learning Annex for spotting creepy dudes. One tip, when they’re still wearing their hospital bracelet.