I’m actually very impressed with TLC. They don’t mess around when the sexual abuse of a child is on the table General Mills advertising money is on the table. Well done!

Aw, must be my mom’s Scottish genes. I’m sorry that your ice cream enjoyment is not all that it should be. Sorbet?

See, my dad’s off the boat from Germany. Deutschland über alles, now hand over the Rocky Road.

I’m of white European descent. I got the enzymes. I’ll eat all y’all’s ice cream.

Don’t tell moriartysringtone, but I’ve never cared for Julia Roberts. Not even in Mystic Pizza.

Uhhhhh, khakis?

Much better than Julia Roberts. Blergh.

Boy, this is it, isn’t it? They told a state trooper family friend that gave Josh a “stern talk,” and then nothing further. There was no due process for his victims.

Relationships are like children. You’re really only interested in your own.

Cedric Diggory who?

I think Tom Cruise is a weird little weirdo, but his part in Tropic Thunder is so endearing, I can’t write him completely off.

My husband is 51. I don’t think he’s actively dating, but I think he would feel very flattered if he caught the eye of a 37 year old.

Check under the bed. My son used to stash all kinds of stuff under there.

You know how they get the stitching so small? Orphans.

What an elegant humblebrag.

She’s a clodhopper.

Good, I don’t want to share my wedding anniversary with Bristol.

I can’t remember if it was on TWOP that I read the joke you could use the lines in Dylan’s forehead to sort your mail.

I think Potato Salad guy originally asked for, like, $12. But he captured the imagination of the public, and it took off from there. Plus he threw a big event for his town with the money.

Do you like what she did to y’all’s lawn mower?