In a month, I travel for the first time to Japan. I apologize in advance for what I’m going to do to your Instagram feed.

I’ll always have a soft spot for Teri Hatcher since she starred in one of my favorite movies, Brainsmasher, A Love Story.

I’m a Friendophile.

Rosie, Seth, James Marsden and Zachary Levi — Nerds.

Beauty.

Every time they played up Eileen’s Emmy on the Real Housewives show, I’ll would always add Daytime. They’re all so dressed up and pretty, like it really mattered.

Every time I see that commercial, I think, “How good is my health insurance?”

Ha, seventh grade and my parents drove us two hours to the next town to see Olivia Newton John in concert. Have you ever been mellow?

Yeah, but if you ever want to return to that Chipotle after nine months, you have to rent an infant, and it just becomes a whole thing.

So better than my reception, then?

He’s Chris Pratt, of course, he knew all the answers, but he’s not going to crush a little kid on TV. Love.

It’s alright, he’ll just replace the Native American actors with Rob Schneider.

I don’t want to worry you, Kristina, but a moose and squirrel were looking for you earlier.

We wouldn’t eat Kraft Dinner,

“Such cute babies. I’ll have two with my buttered scones for tea.”

There are people here would who would lose their shit if the Muslim kids got a separate lunch during Ramadan. But those same people have no problem that our school district opened a zero hour before school so that the Mormon kids can take a period off during the day to attend seminary.

If it’s a girl, I think she’ll look like my daughter, because George bears a striking resemblance to my son at that age.

Goddamnit, stop playing football in the foyer.

It’s a little early to congratulate Annegret on her superwomb. Let’s see how far she gets into her pregnancy before she is confined with bedrest and well those poor little babies do in which I am sure will be a very premature birth.

Did you invite him to dinner, and then let out a big sigh and roll your eyes when you paid? Because that may be on you.