So Alec has trouble conveying emotions accurately with his facial expressions? Maybe he could take an acting class at the Learning Annex.

They may have also said, "The Donald is the Kim Jong-il of Twitter."

Many people on my payroll have said I'm the world's greatest writer of 140 character sentences.

Fuck off, Donald. Nobody says that.

Maria finally lands a job suitable to her talents: hood ornament.

Hey, now, you can blame my mom for Big Bang Theory and Bones, but she ain't taking the rap for that other shit.

Just back from Hawaiian vacation. So you're saying my temporary hibiscus tattoos aren't fooling anyone?

In the ten mile radius around my house, things are pretty great and brimming with optimism. Bad things have always happened, and will continue to happen. But within our little pockets of humanity, we just push on. Deal with the tragedy when you have to. Celebrate the joy when you can.

Aw, DJ is a little bound from vacation. Maybe next time, just share your vacation photos.

Getting tipped over by me, that's what!

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'

McCarthy's show is weekly, but I'm going to ignore it like it's daily.

Ugh, eastern Colorado. Terrible heat, bitter cold, and the wind. The unrelenting wind.

And not only a different outfit, one that conforms to the theme of each event. Including, but not limited to, "Great Gatsby," all white, normcore, hats, black-tie...

And before putting money down on non-refundable deposits.

Of course Ryan Gosling will retire from acting. Starting a master race takes up a lot of your free time.

Did you move over to Previously TV?

He's taken out a couple of male photographers. Rampagey jerks be rampagey jerks.

SP "Did I beat that guy up once in Miami?"

And yet Miley refuses to put spaces between her words.