Oh if I had a dollar for every time a guy on a dating site ended a nasty message with "lol" I could just buy the company of an escort.

Gawd, I was on tinder for a split second and my first picture was me making what I think was a pleasant face, but definitely not an enormous wide-mouthed grin and I swear about 90% of my messages were "y u no smile : (" at a certain point I just responded by joking that I had no teeth and a mouth full of bleeding gums…

OOOOO I have to go to work but can't wait to read these when I get back!

GOOD JOB WINNERS, YOU ARE ALL BAES TO ME!!!

I'm really enjoying imagining their company cocktail party.

You watched Ken Burns' The Dust Bowl for 3 hours and 20 minutes straight last night. How are you feeling? I know, I know. But just 40 minutes more and you're done. Honestly, things start looking up!

Netflix should text, "ARE YOU OK?" when we aren't watching Netflix. Because we probably aren't.

These are incredibly important points.

If Ariana Grande isn't a baby, then why did she sing the word "baby" that one time and then again that other time?

THE ESTABLISHMENT WILL REJECT THE TRUTH

If this article doesn't win Madeleine a Pulitzer, it will be a tragedy.

Um, so are babies. Their skull bones don't fuse for a good while after birth.

I googled "dp" because I couldn't immediately figure it out. So, I find myself sitting in my living room, listening to the Bonanza Family Christmas as the tree's lights blink and I'm googling "double penetration."

Looking at your ultrasounds, I absolutely agree that it would be totally reasonable to assume you were pregnant. That being said, there is also something *not quite right* going on, whether it's a fetal abnormality, or something else that is not a fetus but may be a cause for concern.

Sex is an icky, nasty thing that should only happen between an married man and a married woman and should always be punished with pregnancy! It should never happen between two horny individuals and definitely not in the back seat of a Datsun B210 that may or may not have dents and bondo, in the parking lot of a…

If teenagers insist on having sex, let's make sure they feel guilty and ashamed and have issues (or unwanted children) which will ruin sex for them forever. That'll learn 'em!

My wife made an Easter Bunny cake once using some fancy mold. Bunny' small cute with white frosting and coconut fur but when you cut it open she had used red cake mix. This is afflicting but what the hell, we ate it anyway.

Oh my God, I so, so sympathize. This doesn't involve any Williams-Sonoma products, but 10 years on my son is still talking about the Christmas I tried to lightly toast some pignoli nuts (for biscotti) and instead they burned and looked like rat turds and when I threw them out - rather vigorously and hastily - they…

Six years ago my then 3 year old son saw the Santa version of the snowman pan in the catalog and asked me to get it. I did because I was 7 months pregnant and felt guilty about this being his last Christmas without a sibling. WORST DECISION. First, the fancy ass decorations in the catalog were done with fruit…

YouTube stars make me feel like an old. I'm 29. Am I an old?