At first I thought he had been arrested on stage mid-musical, and now I am sorely disappointed.

Heyyy

i have been clean and sober from Web MD for 63 days now. This app will be a true test of my willpower.

"Would you like to come upstairs and see my etchings?"

Not even kidding — a mere 2 hours after I read this I got a message from some guy on OkCupid containing just the words, "casual sex?" Kinda tempted to write back, "Does that EVER work?"

Guy: Would you like to gain weight? It would only be for nine months. ;)

I'm scared about how many men think like you.

I'd like to thank these bros for helping to keep the bar low. Now, if I actually show up for a date and don't sexually harass her, I'm automatically the best date she's had in months!

Typing like a young moron is hard.

I just play the game. I had a guy message me once on POF, asking if I was as beautiful inside as I am on the outside. I wrote him back saying that the membranes are a healthy, glossy pink which is representative of optimal bloodflow and good oxygenation.

Oh snap, dudes. My cousin is on the website.

not to mention I'm PISSED that the buttons fell off a skirt I ordered two weeks ago

hey

long for the days letter writing.

I'm a firm believer in calling out a kid's shit - and calling it what it is. I also give him dating advice. "Dude, this girl texted you 300 times this weekend. Take the fucking hint already and ask her out." <—direct quote

Ok, real talk y'all. Is this kid 12 years old?

My step son showed me a text message exchange of his with the girl he's now dating (they weren't at the time). I read through it, stop, and say, "Dude, you're being creepy. You're not funny. It's creepy. Stop it."

He was stunned. "But that's how my friends all talk to each other."
Me: "Your friends are idiots. Even you…

penis

Oh Lindy, dat kitteh!! It's like a weird monkey-cat raised on nothing but Benny Hill!