Ron Swanson and Tammy 2

Goldfish tend to jump out of their bowls in the middle of events, as well. Those centerpieces are never really animal safe and the fish try to migrate. Little tiny suicides all over your wedding. Awesome. Go for it.

Yep, lobbying the governor to create a website that can do your job better, faster, and more cheaply than you can is definitely the smart move, Casey. What could possibly go wrong?

Testimony is considered evidence Jill. And this was a whole fuckload of testimony and witness statements.

“The other guy” is my favorite thing about Shawn.

By whoever invented cows. Duh.

In my family this is called Dessert Desperation. When you’re possible hormonal or you’ve had a totally shit day just mix a bunch of sweet things in a bowl and eat. “Cookie dough” that’s just sugar, butter, cinnamon, and oats is one of my favorites. It’s something I’ve never let a boyfriend see me do, and I don’t plan…

Once at a 9 hour flight from Paris to Tokyo I had offered the guy sitting next to me a Finnish candy, Sisu (kinda like salty liquorice but not, but also not liquorice with menthol but kinda like?) He then showed me something, roughly the size of a breath mint. So I took it and put it in my mouth, because hey, they ate…

Side story. An acquaintance recently revealed that he buys cheap ice cream that features a peanut butter streak for the sole purpose of washing the cheap ice cream off the peanut butter. He then either eats this peanut butter or uses it in other, unnamed, applications. Not something I really needed or wanted to know,…

I gave up trying to watch this at 2:15. Seinfeld is the most boring person on the planet. Also, love his “color-blind” note in the beginning, “Trevor Noah has a rich background of many cultures, colors, and languages. But none of that matters. To me he is just a funny guy.” Racism is over, everybody! I mean, race…

I’ve only seen a few episodes of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and they were from a couple years ago, but my impression was that the title should be Comedians Aren’t As Funny As They Think They Are.

My husband was invited to visit his friend (we’ll call her Mrs. B) while I was out of town. He went over, went in the front door as he always did (she left it unlocked so he wouldn’t ring the bell and wake up the baby), and was taking his shoes off in the foyer when she threw open the kitchen door, shotgun leveled at…

Where the hell do people live that killers are lurking in every corner? I have lived in NYC, a rust belt city, a rural area in the midwest, a big city in the south,...always alone and I have never felt in danger enough to want to buy a gun (to want to never be on foot yes but to feel like a need a gun no). If people…

This is seriously a weird article. Is it worse to face the vague possibility of being robbed or to have your child deal with the trauma from shooting you or a sibling? Kids are crazy and moms can usually barely keep track of them as is.

The 26-year-old didn’t lose her cool, but when the man refused to leave after she politely told him she didn’t have anything to give, Haggard sensed the situation was escalating.

“EAT YOUR SHAME CREATIONS IN SOLITUDE LIKE THE REST OF US, FREAK!”*

Feeling devastated by how basic I am.

Some of these customers really need to learn when to keep stuff private. Like raw cake batter...whip up a cake mix and eat it at home. Hell, a lot of the brownie batter doesn’t make into the pan when I bake. Want to suck straight caramel sauce out of the jar or bag? Do so at home, treat yo self. You can even find…

Yes, I agree, women who play professional sports should be fairly compensated. And the disparity between losing in the first round of the men’s FIFA World Cup and winning the women’s FIFA World Cup should not be so stark - particularly for an organization wit h so much money running around. HOWEVER, some of the reason…

Anyone who defended cookie dough ice cream doesn’t get to mock the egg beater story. Those monsters are you.