My man friend recently asked me exactly how much money I spend on cardigans a month. I didn't even want to do the math, because I'm pretty sure I'd cry.

When I last moved, I found out I had 17 pairs of black tights. Every single one has a run in them.

I'm a hair stylist who is currently nannying while I study for the relicensing test in the state I just moved to. This is so on point. Despite the fact that I'm 25, have a mostly shaved head and wear things like faux leather pants and six inch wedges when I'm at the salon, most of my clients were women in their late…

I'm about to have my second abortion....with the same guy, 7 years apart. We dated on and off for six years, during which time I was 18 and stupid and got pregnant. I was suffering from an eating disorder and didn't realize until three months in because I wasn't getting my period anyways. We were broken up at the time…

And he and James used to shock themselves on the electric fence that kept the cows in.

My ex actually grew up next to and went to st. Andrew's with Kate, Pippa and James. They're upper middle class, but not insanely wealthy. They're pretty much social climbers. Apparently Pippa was his first crush.

Ugh, when a dude is like, "I like everything but rap and country", my vagina shuts down immediately. If you want to get in my pants, please have opinions about sub genres of metal at the very least. Is that hipster privilege?

DID WE JUST BECOME BEST FRIENDS?

One of my friends put it best: "Macklemore is rap music for people who hate rap music."

When a dude describes me as "quirky", "adorable" or a "cute nerd", I resolve to never fuck them ever.

I know a girl who would wear that. She often posts pictures of herself side by side with an Audrey Hepburn photo, practically begging for people to be like, "OH MY GOD SPITTING IMAGE." Barf.

I know a girl who would wear that. She often posts pictures of herself side by side with an Audrey Hepburn photo, practically begging for people to be like, "OH MY GOD SPITTING IMAGE." Barf.

Only if you help me illustrate Greek myths with sharpies on "scrolls" I made out of old sheets and paper towel rolls (actual activity I used to do).

WHAT THE FUCK IS ADORKABLE AND HOW DO I AVOID EVER HEARING THAT WORD AGAIN?

Thank god there aren't bibs and ruffles everywhere. She sometimes dresses like the mean girl in your kindergarten class who had perfect pigtails.

I have a big ol' butt and a little waist so I end up looking like a cartoon character and the back of the skirt is noticeably shorter than the front because of the elevation caused by my ass. And since it bounces when I walk, everyone would end up with a full view of my granny panties. A line dresses are only good for…

Girl, I fucked loved that book.

My older sister was a nationally ranked soccer player who played at a big ten school. I've been to thousandsssssss of soccer games and scouts did start coming around ninth/tenth grade for her. She got signed sophomore or junior year, I think. The parents at that level are absolutely insane,and there were a few that…

Beyoncé don't need to marry 34 couples during her performance because she singlehandedly knocked up 3,000 couple watching. You're welcome, bitches.

My friends and I had a long discussion of masturbation preferences at a bar the other night. I guess my friend.....really likes her bathtub.