Here, I thought you were supposed to take things ten seconds at a time, then start over.

I don’t know, do you remember Ken Griffey Jr.? I sure do, and he limped his way to 600 home runs, too. I remember all the breathless praise for The Kid (tm) doing it THE RIGHT WAY when he made the Hall. Pujols’ legacy will be just fine.

Same here, except I was a Brewers fan during the dark days of 56-106 and guys without a picture in video games in their starting rotation and Jose Hernandez brute-forcing his way into an All Star game while striking out eight zillion times. Hated the Cardinals as much as everyone else outside of St. Louis, but I could…

Not trying to make it about me

“A Phillie Who Is Ready for the Pennant Race”

My ex used to use 30 GB of data a month on their grandfathered unlimited data plan. To this day, I still have no idea what they were doing to use 30 gigs of data a month.

Yes, let’s be all honorable and enlightened and whatever and start criticizing the past half-century of American foreign policy instead of the incumbent Commander in Chief now that a Republican is in power. This reminds me of the publications that promised to “start examining Presidential promises with a finer toothed…

Uber is a ride-sharing service. Ride-sharing services (and taxicab services, for that matter) depend on cars. How is this content irrelevant to Jalopnik?

“Here’s a three-day old cupcake from my fridge. I baked it myself! It’s really good. I promise!!!”

Honestly, if a smooth-talking, handsome 49-year old white dude ran with Bernie’s exact policy positions and rhetoric, he would’ve won with like 406 electoral votes.

Idea: Change the name to the “Cleveland Rockers”, make a Boltman-like V-neck guitar the mascot, and make that Drew Carey “Cleveland Rocks” song the theme song. Sure, people can make fun of your team for being called “the Rockers” if you end up sucking again, but it’s better than having a fucking racist caricature as…

Honestly, in the likely event that Clinton wins and the somewhat-less-likely-but-still-very-possible event the Senate flips, I could see Obama pulling Garland’s nomination just to fuck with the Republicans. He’s been in “stand up comedian” / “fuck it” mode for like a year now. I guess there’s a possibility he’ll be…

We’ve tried the whole “let’s be nice to the Republicans and maybe they’ll see reason” thing plenty of times in the past decade. It doesn’t work. We get shit shoveled in our faces every time. They’ve proven themselves to be (wo)manchildren time and time again and don’t deserve our respect. Fuck them.

Remember when Mitt Romney made that comment about how 47% of Americans feel entitled to free stuff? The actual reality is that ~40% of Americans will vote for a batshit insane everything-phobic manchild because they’re world-fearing nihilists who just want to watch the world burn. What’s important is that he’s on a…

Nice try, but the correct pronunciation is “Guy who is going to be an absolute FREAK next year. JUST YOU WATCH!!!!!”.

As someone who got engaged to the love of their life and had their relationship just sort of suddenly come to a crashing end through no real fault of anyone’s own, my advice would be to try not to worry too much about what could go wrong if nothing is actively going wrong. If you spend all your time worrying about…

I’m enthused about the building boom downtown. Guess we’ll see if it actually leads to something sustainable that spreads throughout the city or just turns Milwaukee into yet another large city with a few square miles of robust, shiny, young professional goodness surrounded by miles upon miles of stagnant sadness.…

“It’s not MY problem because I don’t live within the city limits!”

Really appreciating all the comments here from folks talking about how Milwaukee doesn’t have any Bad Race Problems at all and how everything’s totally fine and being blown out of proportion by ne’er-do-wells from the coasts. Maybe spend less time machinating against Milwaukee’s repeated efforts to build a public…

If ‘if’s and ‘but’s counted for anything in sports, the Expos would’ve won the World Series in a strike-free 1994 and Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre would have four rings apiece.