There might be an incredibly horny girl in Chicago who can't understand why she gets no replies.

In my own personal study that was conducted twice yesterday afternoon because I was home alone and bored, I can categorically assert that it is definitely not pee.

Don't forget how they feel like they need to play devil's advocate here.

Me every time I see "well actually" or "to be fair..." in a comment

I've had many of these conversations over the past several months. And I've been trying to sharpen my perspective on this problem, the problem of the "how do I help," question. I offer these comments with compassion and great respect for your commitment to children and families:

Just help. Just do what your…

1. Every male should have a vasectomy. EVERYONE. Got 2 kids? Get it done. Just got married? Get it done. 13 years old? GET IT DONE.

Yes it is.

Nah. Definitely not the worst.

I DUNNO I KINDA LIKE THEM, GUYS.

Well, if you want to get super-pedantic, he went on an insane rampage, was apprehended, and then masturbated, so the rampage itself was not masturbatory at all according to the reports.

Do you work at like an Amish school or something?

I'm technically 40. But I vote like a 25 year-old. Does that count?

Oh god

When I was in college, my roommate and I went to some Halloween party with a girl from our dorm. The next morning, she comes walking up to the common area still in her eighties-prom outfit. We asked her where she ended up staying the night...she lifts up her dress to reveal her yellow thighs and says "Bart Simpson…