Right. He was born that way. Liar.

Institutional racism and animal abuse (someone drew that on that dog's face) is no way to run a fan-friendly business.

But the black kid gets a bowler hat! Is this how Deadspin works?

The dog is barefoot!

Honestly. How come the tall blonde girl gets the white socks and shoes?

I like dogs. They grumble, but they make it sound nice and comfy to be grumbled at.

AGONIZING PAIN! Would be a closer estimate. What are you, like 12 years-old? Man, that flexibility left with all your hopes and dreams years ago.

"Groin pull" would be an incomplete answer.

I noted that someone said "I'd really like to learn that."
No. No, you wouldn't. They'd have to carry you off the floor.

What a show-off.

The blonde was Bluestone, right?

Pizza!

It's almost always okay to tell jokes about dead people. Because, seriously, who cares if they gripe about it.

That must have been a real monkey wrench in the investigation.

I was studying this cold-case. According to the initial autopsy report, this person wasn't even dead.

Good sport!

{Psst: Also, you can leave out the Mentos and nobody will care.}

I thought "The Ol' Coke-And-Mentos Trick" would get you 1o years in prison. Who knew?