And this is why the only thing I ingest is pure, organic virgin's blood. Great for the skin, too! And running them down on moonlit nights is great exercise.

Bowe says straining your facial muscles while doing exercise can have the same affect.

I'm surprised that they didn't touch on my house made of candy, the mirror that talks to me, and how my zillions of cats have negative impacts on my skin.

You know what makes you look old? Getting old. The only alternative is to die young.

I love puppies, but I used to work in the sex crimes and child abuse unit in the same county at the same courthouse, and I never once saw protesters show up to protest against a defendant in a case I worked on. Just saying.

Fired. Good. How about going to jail for assault?

Barbara Walters.

Dear Men Everywhere,

Or you could get a much higher capacity external battery for far cheaper and use it in...wait for it...ANY PURSE YOU WANT.

Sorry, I only know how to express emotion through gif form.

I loved Sherman's comments a few days later when he called out all the "thug" commenters for just finding a new slipcover for the N word. He was 100% correct.

Yes, people were pretty quick to assume Erin Andrews was terrified, as if a woman who is easily scared of men shouting into the camera would have chosen broadcast sports reporting of all things....

Hillary Clinton, you are officially invited to be my sassy best friend.

In other "No Shit" news, water is also wet.

I wish that the police wouldn't charge underage sex workers.

I'd pull a Princess Margaret and wear one in the bath.

I thought Barbies existed for mock executions and juvenile sex play.

If I had tiaras I would wear them for, oh, everything. Greasy, hangover brunch = second-best tiara. Grocery shopping = a full-on crown (because boo to grocery shopping). And if people look askance? Fuck'em; did you see my TIARA?!
What I'm saying is, "YES, more jewels".