So according to Mike Huckabee, it’s not okay for two consenting adults who love each other to get married, but it is okay to molest young girls. That’s an interesting interpretation of Christianity.

Your mom is the best.

There is no way to fix this. Sorry. I have family members who are the same way, and it’s impossible to even talk about abortion or homosexuality (or even divorce—yes, my own mother is very anti-divorce). If you comment on her Facebook status, she’ll probably unfriend you anyway, so problem solved.

Oh

I would join that book club too. Anne, call us! I’ll bring brownies (gluten-free, even). With frosting!

Football players put that black stuff under their eyes. Maybe she’s going for a more-stylish football player kind of look.

Maybe it’s named after a different Harris Faulkner. I just looked it up—there are 2 people in the US named Harris Faulkner. If you’re wondering, there is 1 (or fewer) people named Benson Detailer in the US, so maybe Hasbro won’t be sued for that one. I personally would love to have a toy hamster named after me.

I may or may not have done this with Bugles. They’re not quite big enough, though.

I just had a brilliant idea—use Fritos for fake nails! That way, if you get hungry, you’ll always have a snack handy (ha ha)! That nail glue probably isn’t any worse than a lot of other stuff that’s in food already, so don’t even worry about that! Scoop up some salsa and munch away!

That would be an excellent sitcom!

Half and half is like heaven in coffee. He was really doing them a favor, but did they appreciate it? Nooooo.

Ha! The same thing happened at my great-grandma’s funeral. The preacher repeatedly told us to “put off morality” and “put on immorality.” That was my favorite funeral sermon ever.

The most memorable funeral I have been to was my great-grandmother. She was very old when she died, and the preacher had probably never met her before, so it was a one-size-fits-all conservative Christian service, which means everyone at the funeral is encouraged to become a Christian so you can live forever with the…

It’s okay, there’s hope. I thought Fred Phelps would never die, but he’s gone, and the Koch brothers will be gone someday. Hopefully soon.

Because welfare is only bad if it helps poor people. It’s okay for rich people to get as many handouts as they can from the government. Because they deserve it.

Thank you! I’m so glad I don’t buy any of these products.

I want Gizehs! So many pretty colors...but I already have a good pair of Birkenstocks and I can’t wear sandals to work anyway because my feet freeze, so I wouldn’t wear them that much. I should drop by the Birkenstock store and see if they’re having a sale.

I just love the gigantic bedazzled buckles. I’m a little disappointed he’s not wearing a pilgrim hat, because that would really be cutting-edge fashion.

I don’t think he should be telling anybody how to dress.

And Rice Krispies are a legitimate breakfast, because they’re made of cereal!