We stayed up countless nights in a row making the perfect paddles for our 'big sisters' — and when we gave our bigs the paddles they put on an act to make it seem like they didn't like it after we spent so many days (and money) making them.

This reminds me of the time, many years ago, when a woman came up to me in a shopping center and said "I have something to show you." There in the back of her station wagon was a box full of x-rated gingerbread cookies in many different varieties (however, I'm pretty sure there were no realistic vagina cookies). They…

Yeah, I'm not buying it. Also, as a grown woman, I have absolutely no desire to eat a vagina-shaped cookie, so I would not expect children to do that.

I had to look up "nothing burger" on Urban Dictionary because I have no idea what that's all about, and I learned a new word—chickenatarian. I may have to start a new thing—cakeatarian. Or maybe pieatarian. Can I be both? I know it's unorthodox, but I am unable to pick a side in Cake vs. Pie because they both have…

Yep, I just got my free whore pills! It's pretty awesome!

Agreed! She's done pretty well for herself in spite of it, though.

I am going to watch this, because EMMA THOMPSON! I hope it's better than the Johnny Depp version of Sweeney Todd. It's going to be better than that, right?

If ABC had reached out, they would have known that since the story ran, we've learned more, and that things are still developing on our end. It would have been a tougher interview.

Wilford Brimley should be in all fan fiction. The world would be a better place.

I have to leave when the nail clipping starts. One snip and I'm out the door, it doesn't matter where, I just hustle on out of there. I think I deserve a little break time for having to listen to that. (The same coworker also blows bubbles with her gum and pops them very loudly. Emotionally I think she's about 12…

Gads. I absolutely hate when my coworker in the office next to me clips her nails. I can't imagine being right next to that for a whole flight. I'd end up shoving the nail clippers up her nose and yelling, "Clip this, bitch!"

For even more fun, have a find-the-dildo party and don't tell anyone! Let each dildo be another delightful surprise.

I used to take my rabbit to the park on a leash. We didn't really go for walks. I'd just stand there and hold her leash and let her hop around and nibble on dried leaves. I got the best questions from little kids—like "Does she eat eggs?" She was the best bunny ever.

Is that a wax figure? Or is she starring in the remake of Mannequin?

This is what happens when you try to plump your lips up using the vacuum cleaner hose. She left it on a bit too long.

I have no idea what she's trying to say there. I think I need a translator.

I don't even want to know how much people would pay for these piles of Lisa Frank vomit. That would just make me sad.

Here, have a little Qcumber with your Quorn!

That looks good. If I lived in Minnesota, I would eat there.

I haven't even read all of this yet, but I just had to say I'm stealing Qcumber. That is amazing.