I love the Krispy Kremes with dark chocolate filling. Although apparently I've been doing it wrong, because I eat them for dessert, not breakfast.

You just know she lets out big, stinky, gassy farts and blames it on the dog. That's probably the only reason she has a dog.

FLUFFY BUNNY! I have a fluffy gray bunny, so I might be a little biased.

Or maybe the mark of the Devil.

Underneath her clothes, I imagine Ann Coulter is like a Barbie doll, just smoothly molded plastic, with a "Mattel" stamp on her backside.

I can't eat frozen dinners. MSG gives me migraines. Trader Joe's has a few things I can eat, but no Lean Cuisine for me. I miss the convenience, but I'm probably better off. I can have Amy's broccoli and cheese pot pies, so it's not all bad.

This is nuts. What is wrong with these people? What would even motivate someone to come up with legislation like this? Are we still in the 1950s and everyone forgot to tell me?

My mom eats raw tofu. I don't think she has any taste buds.

We're so used to seeing celebrities with a paid staff of stylists that we expect anyone on TV to have perfect hair (and outfit and nails and shoes), but this is just a normal person who doesn't have the money to pay someone to do her hair. It takes money and time to look stylish, and I'm sure she doesn't have a lot of…

I saw this, and their jokes were really bad. I don't know why anyone would want to steal them, and I also don't know why anyone would be proud of creating them.

The whole point of a performance by a professional is that it should be professional quality, mostly free of mistakes, and something that the viewers can enjoy. If you can't pull that off, then you're not at the level of being a professional performer, and you need to either improve your skills a lot or find a…

I used to eat butter on saltines, when I was much younger and thinner. I've never had a PB&B, but I do put peanut butter on the jelly side of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so the jelly doesn't soak through the bread. And I never use margarine—only real butter.

The Kardashians have really redefined greed. I thought I knew what greed was, but then they came along and invented a new type of super-greedy greed. I can't wait until their 15 minutes are up and they dissolve slowly into obscurity.

I think she had the surgery, because I don't think it would be possible to lose that much weight that quickly on Weight Watchers. If that's true, yes, it's not very honest for her to be shilling for WW.

I hope Jessica Simpson remembers to put the butter on the pop tart after she toasts it, not before.

It probably involves scrunchies. Or using a thong as a scrunchie. If the first one doesn't work, try the second one.

Blue Ivy is really Beyonce's clone! I can't wait for the tell-all book (and Lifetime movie).

This will be really handy the next time the squirrel in the tree right outside my office window starts screaming non-stop for a very long time. I had to leave the office for a while. Also, I need tips on how to deal with co-workers who smack their gum very loudly. Unfortunately, I can't wear noise-canceling headphones…

I think it has a lot to do with the lack of K-words (I'm not going to name them, because it's like Beetlejuice—if you say their name too many times they'll suddenly appear in Dirt Bag, and nobody wants that to happen). Also, Clint Eastwood and the squirrel is probably one of the best little bits of gossip I've ever…

There's really only one difference between the Kardashians and the Palins—the Palins don't have a sex tape. Yet. But I'm sure there will be one eventually, when they can't get attention any other way.