I see this every morning. So, here’s my take:

Ok. I need some guidance. My cousin’s husband (hoping it’s soon-to-be ex husband) just got out of jail.

Yeah, we do. But the thing is, headphones should/could be this thing, except for the bone-deep sense of entitlement that many men have. Their time, their attention, their boner is more important than anything a woman could possibly be doing.

It’s a little bit “out there” because it’s a Korean product and not easily available in the US, but I love this stuff.

It’s a little bit “out there” because it’s a Korean product and not easily available in the US, but I love this…

Yyyep! I’ve been using “ballsack” instead, and I feel like it really works. Super delicate? Check.

I don’t live in NYC, but I can absolutely relate. I actually enjoy the bitter tears of people who came here because it’s soooo cooool and omg Voodoo Donuts how quirky and then found out that 20,000 other entitled dongbats did too. Get the fuck out of my town. These people will almost inevitably have a “KEEP PORTLAND…

I lived in the USSR in 1991 as an exchange student. It was in a smallish city in the “far east” section, just north of China.

...dude.

My dad was a cop, briefly, in the late 1960s. He talks about cops that behaved this way back then, and how they were essentially crooked but it was just “how it was” so no one ever did anything about it.

Hell, I make a point to tell my dog I’ve been cheating on him with the dogs at work. I feel like it gives him something to aspire to.

Something for those who don’t like processed cheese:

This dog desperately needs a little unicorn horn. Someone please help me out here.

My folks have a newish Ford Focus. All the bells and whistles. It has an auto headlight toggle, but if you leave it in that position, it leaves the headlights on. Indefinitely. Even after you’ve taken the key out and are asleep in bed already.

My dad taught me to drive a stick, which is awesome. But what I remember best is when I was getting close to getting my license.

Oh look, it’s my nightly commute home!

I’m sorry you’re tired and hurty. That sucks ass. I had it bad when I was younger, and I’m with you. I still don’t buy “good” underwear because I trained myself never to care about them since one slipup and they were toast.

The best part of your plan is that no one in Grant’s Ass would notice or care.

There’s a cool book called How to Grow Fresh Air that could be helpful, too. Having plenty of living plants in your living space really makes a difference in your overall air quality.

Criminy. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I hope things have improved some since your return. Internet hugs are available if you want them.

This is absolutely true. I grew up in a town of 500 here, and boy-howdy lemme tell you how redneck it is. It’s also 25 miles from Portland.