like when i was in college, one dude was literally jerking off on the sidewalk at 3 am on a THURSDAY

Just because some saucy tart hurls a fork at you doesn't make you a king. It's not like some bint can come up out of a pool of duck sauce, fling chop sticks at you and make you emperor of PF Changs.

Ah, Forxcalibur. Alas, many a man has tried to free that fork from within the enchanted block of parmesan, but all that have gone North to this garden of olives have never been seen again.

The lady in the Olive Garden lake of marinara sauce has to choose you, then you have to pull a pasta fork from a block of extra hard cheese.

George is the best Beatle, this is absolutely not up for discussion. He played the sitar, wrote 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps', loved cats, and he was in The Rutles. Come on, anybody who shows up and actually plays a part in the movie that satirises their own life just has to have been an amazing guy.

Your 6-year-old has good taste. My favorite is George too. He was such a gentle soul, and such an amazing talent. His voice was my favorite, and I prefer his solo stuff to any of the others. Plus, he was in The Travelling Wilburys!

"It's 'Oh my god! You're a ski-racer' or 'You help the animals.'"

My birthday is a few days before Christmas, and Barbie came out the year I was four. My father was sick that year and in and out of the hospital, and my mom was working nights in a restaurant to support us.

I didn't get new Barbies often so when I did I certainly wasn't wasting it on a dumb Ken doll. I had an Aladdin doll but beyond that I just chopped the hair off dolls that had fallen out of favor if I needed more men.

Wine doesn't get better with age, but age gets better with wine.

Yes. Basically the way I've tried to look at it is this: My daughter is the world's worst troll. If I get angry, then she wins!

I couldn't care less if my server is friendly. Just don't be that server who refuses to write down orders, because your memory is so great, and then you screw up my "no tomato" request. Carry a note pad, write down my order, don't be a dick, that's really all I ask and you'll get your 20%.

"As a palate cleanser for the last two weeks, please enjoy some stories of terrible customers receiving their just rewards."

I seriously don't get the people who want an "extra friendly" server. Why isn't being pleasantly polite enough? The server is there to get your food, not to be your dinner companion, and it's not possible to muster conversation and extra smiles for every single table every night.

That advice weirdly came from my Mom. She had a therapist who told her to make a list of all the things that she wanted from a partner. When she came back the next week the therapist looked it over and said that this was her list of things to work on in herself. I've also heard it expressed as "Be the person you want…

This is something I'm slowly realizing. My life dream was to be married to a great guy with an amazing career and I'd just take care of him. That was it. All I wanted. And then at 30 and a failed 9 year relationship I realized that it wasn't going to happen. So I went to grad school and started doing the types of…

Open letter to various;

I absolutely LOVE Broad City!

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the tale of Saint Basil Fuckoff, the patron saint of waiters and bartenders.

Sorry. Point is taken (we DO do stupid shit like trying to lift heavy objects we shouldnt be lifting to impress women) but I was specifically referring to fashion. =)