I’m sorry to inform you that you eat feces every day. FDA guidelines allow for some amount of fecal matter in your food. Also insect parts. So you eat poop and bugs every day. Enjoy your next meal!

I’ve seen numbers saying 750,000 people eat at Chipotle per day. Let’s say a thousand got sick in 2018. That’s 273,000,000 million customers per year roughly. 1000 / 273,000,000 is a 0.0003% chance of getting sick. Or 1 in 300,000 customers if you prefer. You’d have better odds playing the lottery in some states. And…

I was at the Pete show last night and I’m surprised Jez chooses to focus on the fact he talked about Ariana and not about the fact that he basically shit all over Louis CK.

I really would like to see Kamala Harris sink her teeth into D. Trump. I just want to hit fast forward on the shit show that will be the Primaries.

In the end, it honestly doesn’t matter who is the Democratic nominee. YOU MUST VOTE FOR THAT PERSON!!!!1111

They used to make fun of her for being carried around like a baby. It was actually pretty funny.

Oh hey, everyone’s favorite clueless hateful potato is baaack! And Wolf’s like, I know I had a potato masher here a second ago...

“At the same time, [the movement has] become hysterical...”

IN FACT! egg nog has a fascinating history! In London in the 1800s and earlier, it was a very fancy drink, because if you could get egg and dairy and just make a punch of them, you were a very fancy, moneyed person. Look at you, getting fresh dairy and egg in the big city!

DID YOU KNOW AN OMELET IS JUST LIKE MAYO?!

He might not be the best conversationalist, but I found this to be surprisingly endearing? Having a baby girl is fire! Having a partner who likes to go for walks is nice, too! I was expecting much worse from this interview, but these highlights are sweet 

He pours it on Mother during intimacy.

An older coworker was convinced his Microsoft word was "hacked." I'm like no your caps lock is on.

“Computer! Do a ‘HACK’ to Crooked Hillary!!”

He also sleeps in a bucket

Michael Rapaport is 48 looks 63 and acts 16. If you keep literally every aspect of him exactly the same there’s hotter men every place anywhere. 

“Come on now, is this really necessary?”