I really don't want to have sex in my kitchen. The tile is hard, it's in the middle of the house, unsexy lighting.

"A Brave and Startling Truth"

This weekend it was raining (well it was a holiday weekend) and there is a knock at the door. My wife opens it and there is a guy standing there, soaking wet who says "I am disappointed in the weatherman as he said it would be sunny today, but I have never been disappointed in the Bible" and then proceeds to read from…

my sister is a stripper and once got tipped with one of those fake bible dollars disguised as a Benjamin. That guy got thrown out.

When I worked at a comic book shop we would get people every now and then who would come in and try to stuff pamphlets into books. After a while I would play some satanic heavy metal to make them feel like they were really doing good work before I went through the shop to collect all their brochures and trash them.

Anyone remember these strange, yet delicious, Carnation Breakfast Bars? I lived on them in high school. I even liked the 'kinda grainy' taste a lot.

You missed this gem of the story:

Forcing women to go to Bossier City for any reason should be the real crime, amirite?

suggested tagline:

This is like the only post ever where this would be an appropriate comment.

It really is a case of the Mondays.

Plundering Garfield's tomb and they didn't even get the solid gold lasagna pan?

When I was 20 I went on a two week trip to Europe with my then-boyfriend. My parents are super conservative and telling them that I was going on a trip abroad as a couple with my boyfriend would have been scandalous and unacceptable. A "group trip" with a bunch of friends (including my boyfriend) and staying at…

These days, a quick Google would help out the victim of this bizarre lie, but this was when whole schools passed around a single porn mag found in a hedge. A friend was in class, around 13/14, when a classmate held up some pink fluff he'd found on the floor. Could have been anything, whatever. My friend instantly…

I'm a sexworker, so I've heard so many that I'm probably disqualified from playing.

No matter - here's one of my favorites. Someone phones me to inquire about a 'date'. He tells me that he is 'super famous', so I'd have to be 'super discreet' about our meeting. Ok, sure. He then phones me back about six more times,…

When I was in highschool our district held a scholarship competition that revolved around public speaking. My friend, being somewhat gifted in this area, decides to enter and makes it to the finals with a combo of luck and talent. So we're at the final competition a few days later, she is killing it during the…

"I don't know how to use a sponge."

In middle school a friend of mine (let's call him Ryan) convinced my other friend (let's call her Amy) that artichokes were animals. An artichoke, according to Ryan, is a three legged animal that looks like a cross between an armadillo and a squirrel. One of its three legs is much longer than the other two, so an…

Another one!

I have a friend who's quitting her job on the Hill in the coming months because the member she works for is an insufferable bitch (shocking, I know). So we're "editing" an upcoming HRes to include the clause: