I know! Too bad it isn't funny.

Oh God. Much worse.

We totally didn't mean to offend anyone with our crass attempt to cash in on a national tragedy!

It would seem they're still living in their own teenage years.

It's so fun to watch Eli & the Giants go supernova and collapse in on themselves, but it's so painful to watch the Cowboys win. I almost did a spit take on that pick-six, though. I lol'd hard. It was beautiful.

His victims.

It's a tour de force of incoherent, half-formed thoughts mixed with stunning linguistic ignorance. There's no hope for this one. Don't waste your time.

Those guys don't need any more stupid ideas. It's all your fault if someone greenlights that movie.

Douches and windbreakers.

Define "coaches."

"I ain't mad at ya."

Cool story, brah. I'm so very impressed with and intimidated by your drunken evening. Glad you decided to brag about it on the Internet like a college freshman.

Given the thorough ball-washing that Al Michaels gave Elway last night, Michaels would probably claim that Elway should take all the credit for those TDs because he's the one who convinced Manning to choose Denver as the scene of his eventual paralysis.

Good for you?

Oh, I get it. "Cutting" edge. *wink*

I love jokes about horrible, tragic suicides as much as the next guy, but...Jesus.

That's 6.25% sales tax.

ETA: Nevermind. You're right. I think. It's too early for me to do simple math.

Plenty of useless chodes are richer than POTUS, whose salary is decided by the legislature. Nobody wants to be President because of the unrivaled compensation, but you can always write a letter to your congressional representative to let him or her know that, in your humble opinion, the Chief Executive is grossly…

I grew up in the Midwest and was raised in a wacko fundamentalist church that specialized in cowing and shaming the members of its congregation into coughing up at least 10% of their before-tax wages. Sex in all its forms was vilified, and the notion that women should obey and submit to their husbands was heavily…

Stronger? Braver? Badass-er? Sure. Better? No. She took a long swim in the open ocean and survived; she didn't cure cancer.