You probably also don't have "convos" with your friends, go on "vacay" or ever refer to your hair as your "tresses" or "mane." Cosmo slang seriously makes my brain hurt, it is so stupid and they've been using these stupid terms for years. STOP TRYING TO MAKE TRESSES HAPPEN.

The whole "surprise oral when he walks in the door" thing does not take into account most normal human's need to piss when they first get home.

They totally smell like semen, and some people seem to notice/realize it but not others, and then it makes me feel like some kind of weird pervert that I think about what jizz smells like.

So sad when you take the time to make delicious homemade mac & cheese and it's rejected!

Me too, and I know I'm not supposed to pick at those crusties but sometimes I "encourage" them a bit.

Yep, I read somewhere that kids can reject a new food something like 12 or 14 times before they accept it. At home he gets what we eat, mostly, but it's just so frustrating when you try to give him what you think will be an exciting treat and he rejects it!

Your cycle will continue to evolve over your life, so don't be concerned if things seem different. That said, it sounds like you will be most soothed by a quick test! Get the cheapest one. They sell very cheap ones on Amazon, but in packs of like 50 which I assume you won't need. If it's negative but you still feel…

Kids will always treat you worse than their sitters or daycare workers. I firmly believe that they sense at an early age that mom's and dad's love is truly unconditional, therefore it is "safe" to test them out and push their buttons. I sometimes get very frustrated when people make comments online like "Parenting is…

The two most surprising things that drive me fricking insane about my 3-year-old:

I could never finish a yoga or pilates tape on my living room floor, because as soon as I get on the floor my cat categorizes me as "impromptu cat bed."

Terrible people get engaged all the time. It really doesn't prove anything about your worth as a person except that you happened through luck to find a person who can tolerate you. Annoying people mostly get engaged to other annoying people. An acquaintance of mine is engaged to the worst woman in the world, who has…

In the parlance of our times.

The word itself makes some men uncomfortable.

I'm 27 weeks and my armpit hair hardly grows. I swear I can let it go 2 weeks and have barely a fuzz.

No poison or excrement could be worse than what is legitimately inside the Mary Jane wrapper.

That link didn't work, do you have a title?

Have you seen the Hiro character who talks with a halting vaguely Asian accent and is always talking about shame? WHAT THE FUCK.

"Gummi bear? They've been in my pocket, they're warm and soft."

Next March Jezebel should do a Shittiest Candy bracket. I think the contest between candy corn and circus peanuts would be a nailbiter.

Also true: if I have $60 I can pay someone to kill a lobster for me, pry it out and saute it in butter, and serve it to me on a nice plate. That's more my style, except for mostly not having the $60.