why you gotta wreck my dreams

look, sometimes all the good usernames are taken

All I know about Kelsey Grammar is that he was in this terrible Christmas movie I loved as a child about him being a whiny asshole who didn't want to take over Christmas so Christmas stopped entirely. It is one of the worst movies ever and Kelsey Grammar is not likable in it.

i was like "i'm on tumblr ALL THE TIME and i've never heard of Molly Soda" and then i realized that all i do on tumblr is reblog memes

i kept getting distracted by how much i love her haircut

I don't understand. Is Ocean real???????

So I used to work downtown, and Bill Nye was in town for a ballroom dance thing, which I had wanted to attend but hadn't been able to because WORK. And Bill Nye came in and it was pretty mundane and I was cashiering and I checked him out. I was, of course, starstruck. I said something like "I used to watch your show…

this is clearly done by taylor swift manager people and not taylor swift herself, who would never betray me in this manner

fresh from a ripe coleslaw fruit

a friend of mine has pretty severe food allergies and I went with her to prom and a couple of other dances (where food was also being eaten) and she brought her own food. This is about the only situation where it seems appropriate, though?

about 99% sure that's not how etiquette works

they are??? ????? ????? ????? ????

well, that would be nice in an ideal world. but servers make far below minimum wage because of tips (which they are taxed for) (and usually have to split). you should always tip your server at least 20%, or go to a restaurant that does no tipping (because servers there get paid at least minimum wage). because of the…

'hello you don't appear to have paid your mortgage this month'
'it's okay. there was an incident at the restaurant but somebody Apologized Nicely, so you can take that.'
'that's not legal currency, ma'am.'
'oh.'
'maybe you should get a better job.'
'I'll definitely do that. I'll just go up to the Job Tree, where they post…

i signed into kinja again just so i could say how FANTASTIC this comment is

THis sounds like the most terrifying tale. Perfect for Halloween.

WHAT. "I had an ovarian cyst burst and I went to school and work."

I've been broken up with that way! Twice!

more dev patel waxing about social media plz

i'm never eating tomatoes again