Except instead of goldie it will say “Moriarty’s ringtone is a salty biscuit”

Wow, I got my fingers tattooed and nobody even asked if I was sure about it - because, as you noted, thinking through one’s decisions and presuming others have done so, and respecting that, is part of doing adulthood well. Also, knowing how analogies work. Dan is batting 0 here.

Omg I wish I had seen that!! We’d probs be friends though and I would snicker really loud while you gave your presentation because I would know.

Skinny vanilla latte, soy milk, half decaf.

One guy we had in particular would ALWAYS find something wrong with his food. He would order everything as take out, and then once he got the food home would call and complain that something wasn’t right or something was missing.

Not if you’re assuming (incorrectly, but that’s beside the point) that they wouldn’t necessarily be great readers in English (yes, everyone, I have now been informed that English is Ghana’s official language, you can stfu about it) and expect it would take 10-15 minutes to go through the whole menu—not to mention…

You’re missing the bigger story: two women in a DV situation face 7 game suspension each no questions asked. The public has to revold to get serial male batterers in professional sports to face any consequences ever.

Expecting a new baby? How passe. I prefer old babies. Old babies give you a Werther’s Original and then take you out to dinner at the buffet at 4 o’clock.

Caught that, too. Though i’m sure the fact that he thinks Obama is a communist has to do with race as well. So, essentially “...my opinion has more to do with [Obama] being a black guy with thoughts as opposed to being black. But it’s definitely about him being black. Man, do I regret that he’s so black.”

“My only regret is being called racist when my opinion of the president has more to do with [Obama] being a communist as opposed to being black,”

“sometimes I take a poop in my hand and then eat it”

Nope. Best practices for suicide reporting recommend not using “committed,” which sounds like a crime or, to religious communities, like a sin, and “kill yourself” is just insensitive, crude, and poorly phrased. “Died by suicide” is the phrasing recommended by mental health professionals and the American Foundation…

blood.

A 12 or 13 year old kid pushed me into a soda display in a grocery store once (it hurt like a bitch), when he turned to run I close lined him. He fell into a nearby wall of firewood.

Just to be clear, I am not going to stop hating on Oklahoma despite never having been there.

The Knockout Game is not real, and that is in no way what that was. All the other kids were confused as shit when it happened.

Is that...Hagar piledriving a shark?

You better start stalking me then. I lived through 4 fucking years of that godawful state, and I’m not about to temper my distaste for the place where I nearly died at least four times that I can name off the top of my head. Whether it be by heat exhaustion, too many guns in schools, or good ol’ fashioned bad drivers,…

But look, this sentence happened, and we can’t not address it:

OK, A) no, I was laughing my ass off as the train moved on, and B) wow, that is seriously fucked up.