I don’t know what any of this means.

I was aimlessly thinking about what my perhaps wedding dress might look like one day while gazing upon the boring mile of fabric I will be wearing to my cousin’s wedding and I think I’m going to wear Lady Gaga’s meat dress and then eat it throughout the whole night.

This entitled housewife looks back at her impressionable child and calmly says “She is yelling because that girl deserves it, the service is terrible every time we come here.” And then she looked me straight in the eyes.

Only if it’s kept in a monogrammed thermos.

I should really have known better than to click through expecting something that’s not sarcastic.

They have an amazingly generous return policy. I will be loyal forever just because they don’t give me a hard time if something is opened/used or if I misplaced my receipt.

lol fuck off with this. there’s nothing wrong with having a nanny. there are shitty parents with nannies and shitty parents without nannies. this is malarkey.

God, pencil skirts with their vent sewn shut make me want to wander around with manicure scissors.

She was looking for some work—she didn’t want a fling—when she got a nanny job with Ben and Jen this spring. What was she to do, what was she to say, she needed the money. But over the next few months her bosses went to war—she was there to watch the children, but their father saw more. She had youth! Jen went poof!…

Who would have guessed that the girl we described, was just exactly what Ben’s penis prescribed? Now Jen Garner found her disgusting - she let her go! And now Ben’s on top of her thrusting - His rep says ‘no!’ She’s the lady in bed, next to Ben Affleck: the man of her dreeeeeeams.

Wow, definitely thought you meant that Ben Affleck was dating Fran Drescher, and my mind was blown for a minute.

Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

No Ghosting else he will come at you with everything he’s got.

This is why stigmatizing abortion and reducing access needs to stop.

If its what you want then do it! Sea birds are dope.

7? hour flight from Seattle to Reykjavik, surrounded by a HS tour group. Teenagers everywhere. It was an overnight flight but did any of them shut up for even a moment? Oh no. The kid across from me spoke exclusively in doge meme speak FOR SEVEN FUCKING HOURS WOWE MUCH RAGE SO GO FUCK YOURSELF

Other times I rub it against my cheek.

A friend has a special utensil to pick olives out of a jar when a fork or spoon will suffice. She has every ridiculous gadget and it just irritates me to the point that I will throw my fat chubby fingers in the olive jar and plop them in her martini. I tell her that the alcohol will kill the germs as she looks…

It took me a long time to use this, but I do use it now. It’s convenient, but this article made me realize how unnecessary it is. You know what else is a good egg timer? A clock. 11 minutes. Boom.

eating a salad as a full meal is like eating whispers