what’s the brand of lip stain?

I hope she remembers to wear underwear on Triennial Vodka Day.

As a mostly non-drinker, i’m just focusing on what 5 shots of vodka would do to a non-drinker. I’d be on the floor after that.

Hey, I said I’d call you on “Sunday” I didn’t say which Sunday.

The smell story made my day!

Well, once you read it you will learn you can go into any restaurant and get one! You may have to make your own cocktail sauce though...

As my late grandpa said, people are dying now who have never died before.

WOW SHUT DOWN HARD BY THE DEFENDER OF PUBLIC MASTURBATORS DAMN

This is why I'm a lesbian with good taste

Am i horrible because the first thing I thought of when i read this story was the episode of Friends where Ross tried to wear leather pants?

Tell that to the guy in the $3,500 suit!

This is why I am against pants in all forms. You never know how dangerous they might be.

They have all these incompetent kids working at these places. They should lower the minimum wage to 2 dollars an hour

all of these people are satanists

He deserves to be punched in the face with a Kia.

I was in a Starbucks yesterday and a gaggle of teenage girls, (I feel like gaggle isn’t right for teenage girls. A flock? A murder? A murder.) a murder of teenage girls came in behind me. As I finished my order, the barista (who was a treasure of a human being and recommended a kick-ass fruit sauce for baked brie)…

My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…

All these people need punched.

were you flexin’?