Property-obsessed voyeurs such as myself, you’re welcome:

Having a baby is like being in a car wreck. And there’s no real way to perfectly plan for a car wreck. (I’m so cheery today!) The best tip I can give you is to be very vocal about how you feel and keep pushing your doctors for solutions, don’t feel like you need to tough it out or assume it’s normal.

Does she not have friends who’ve given birth? Internet access? Did she not go to any prenatal classes, read any books or websites? Honestly I think it’s rather impressive she managed to live this long as a woman AND go through an entire pregnancy without learning that the majority of women have tears in their vaginas…

Cardi B is problematic, but damn if I don’t wholeheartedly support her anti-raccoon stance.

Saw her across a hallway at college, and a voice said, “You’re going to marry her.”

I had the love at first sight feeling with my person. He did not feel the same way. lol. He had just started dating someone, but two and a half years later, we got together!

Re: Knowing when you meet the one.
Well, I can’t say anything about Grande’s love at first sight moment, but I can say I had one when I first saw my one and only, Mr. UrbanAchiever. A mutual friend had a b&w image of Mr. UA, and showed it to me. And I swear, bells went off in my head. We met a couple of weeks later in…

Eh, my baby was cut out of my abdomen and I wasn’t present. Anesthesia sucks. For like, 12 hours, missing it was The Worst Thing Ever.

“DADDDDYYYYYY DIDNT GIVE ATTENTIOONNNNNNN”

They are scared shitless of her and I am loving every minute of it.

Listen, gay men: You don’t get to be misogynistic assholes while using women’s bodies for something you want. You don’t get a pass.

I “ran away” when I was about 6 or 7. My mom told my brother to help me pack and he was like “if she’s running away, then she’s not my sister so....”

Send him to college abroad. He’d be forced to do laundry, pick up after himself, feed himself, pay bills, etc. And maybe a proper education could knock some sense into him. I don’t think any professors would be impressed with the stupid crap he’s been spewing on twitter, pretending he understands math and physics

If I had to listen to Jaden Smith for more than 30 seconds, I’d want him out of my house too.

Jaden: “Mom, how can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?”

Jada: “you’re ready to move out of my house”

I have a kid who’s 6 months from being 18...and has no earthly clue how much the real world costs and doesn’t give a single fuck about you. Not that we haven’t tried (Oh lord, the trying has damn near killed me), but at this point Mr. Levy and I just have to be like, “He’ll learn, one way or another.”

‘He’s right. The time is now. He’s 15. It’s time for him to leave the house.’”

This is the exact explanation of being 15.

I’m over here like...wait, I thought Amy Adams was married to Sasha Baron Cohen?! Oops. That’s Isla Fisher not Amy Adams.

There was apparently an interview with him later on where he was like “oh, I’m never leaving home. Everything in my house is free.”

Harvey Terkel’s Thai servant who “practically threw” Samantha out of bed and pretended that Samantha hit her so that she could be the only woman in Harvey’s life