Well if you’d just offer a blow job in gratitude he wouldn’t have to grab your ass, now would he? Sheesh. 

I was friends with a guy for ten years before I found out he’s a POS woman beater. I had literally no clue at all in the years that I knew him because he never did anything in front of me and no one else ever said a word. When someone did finally break the silence, I believed her (it’s hard to argue with pictures…

My dogs have realized I never get fully dressed unless I’m going out. When I come out of the bedroom with real clothes on, they both go get in their crates. 

He’s a flaming garbage monster, but yes. All of the household name celebrities were, at one point, nobodies who someone took a chance on. 

What ever happened to films doing this? I seem to recall quite a few older movies with opening credits that ended in “And introducing [no-name actor] as [major character]”. Like it was exciting that they had this brand new performer you’d never seen before. And it should be! New faces and talents are fun! I don’t want…

I’m a little obsessed with dodging the melanoma that runs through my family like wildfire, yeah. I live in central Arizona. I don’t set foot out my door without copious sun protection. 

I’m pretty sure my parents would have been the same anywhere, and living in the sticks was a convenient excuse. They’re both very much “get away from it all” minimalists, but on a lavish budget. I didn’t know about the money until I was an adult; I grew up thinking we were barely getting by. It was weird.

I could type like a seasoned professional by first grade solely because we were allowed to play Oregon Trail after every fifth Mavis Beacon typing lesson we completed. By winter break that year, I’d finished the program and got to play OT for a week straight before they figured out what else to give me. It was bliss.

It’s toast and avocado. I made some for breakfast today. 

I’m 34, 35 this fall, and I feel ya. We didn’t have a computer in our house until I was 12, which I never used because it only had accounting software and some children’s math game. We lived out in the sticks with no internet, cable, or cell service until late ‘99 when I was almost 16. My parents didn’t even fix or…

I gave up on my insecurities about my chunky, muscular thighs last summer, and I’m never looking back. I also finally got my old thigh tattoo covered with something way more awesome that deserves to be seen! So I’ve been rocking some shockingly short shorts and loving it. It’s been hitting 110+ already, so the less I…

Right!? I distinctly remember my mom taking me for bagels before school at least once a week when I was in about third grade. She would always push me to order the low fat, and if I wasn’t at the counter with her she’d order it for me. When I’d complain that she did it again, she’d insist you can’t tell the…

Full fat or nothing. My mom bought low fat, fat free, skimmed everything when I was a kid, and I will not punish myself with that sadness. 

I like yogurt, but I have to be specifically in the mood for it. Cottage cheese is always a go for me though. 

I like to stir in some diced cucumber and thinly sliced green onion with Spike. Avocado goes well, too. 

It is a morning suit, and I’m goddamn loving it. 

Right? When even your “no this is really how it went” still makes you sound like an asshole, maybe just stop. 

Half the houses on my street are rentals, and half are occupant-owned. The people who own the rentals seem hell bent on gentrification, making this a “chic” neighborhood, and are inflating their rent prices. Now we’ve got a bunch of 30k millionaires speeding down our roads in their leased beemers and a bunch of middle…

On the subject of nosey-ass motherfuckers: some random dude stopped me on the sidewalk the other day to ask for a smoke, then instead of moving along he started staring intensely at my undyed roots and asking about my natural hair color. Not just “hey, what’s your natural color?”, which I get a lot, but like “ooh,…

“I try to avoid being a dick”