Please go out with him.

Pillow talk when he finds someone: "Are you sufficiently lubricated to enjoy penetration?"

I'm surprised more of these messaged aren't time stamped at like 2:06AM

So the Perfect Female Celeb is Olivia Wilde? I've known this since Marissa Cooper fell in love with her.

"Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits.…

Who can resist the siren song of "57 Things Only 90s Girls will Understand"?? I'm not made of stone, dammit.

FIZZ FOR EVERYONE!!!

This is what happens when Ron Swanson is your dad, I guess?

Hurray! I worked for a head case doctor that loved the gross stuff. Once we had an I and D (incision and drainage) on a massive MRSA boil in the ass crack of a meth head. Doc injected the thing with 2% lidocaine, which kills the pain, but pressurized the boil. Doc then inserted an 18 gauge needle into the center, thus…

Let's seat you next to this guy from SkyMall.

The lost Card Against Humanity!

One sex scene in Celebrity Sex Tape in the Making that particularly stood out to us involved a bat.

Ah, the George Costanza tactic.

Another bar tending story:

I made a pattern for a Hobbes plushie a few years ago and I'll sometimes make one as a present for births or birthdays... They tend to be loved! Here's the first one I ever made:

This is also the story of the first time I had edibles and the first time got high.

One time when I was a teen I got high with one of my friends and we followed around this woman because we thought she was a witch because she was carrying a staff and dressed in a black trench coat with black makeup and wearing a weird hat but then I went up to her and asked her if she was a witch and she told me she…

CLEARLY CANADIAN. Specifically the strawberry flavour. Beach days/picnics/my life has never been the same without it.

Um, for starters, Kanye loves Kanye? I mean do your research.