I. . . don’t know what your point here is. But ok. 

I have a ton, but my favorite is the time I was at Starbucks near Brown University with a friend and we were trying to think of Emma Watson’s name. As we’re leaving I open the door and a young lady is about to walk in. I hold the door and my friend points at her and says “Her!”.  I explained “We could not think of…

Many years ago near Union Square, I saw a very familiar looking woman who I was certain was a girl I’d met in one of my college lecture classes. It’d been almost a year since we’d last seen each other, so I darted right up, arms out ready to hug her and exclaimed, “Hey!” In that split second, she kinda scrunched up…

My roommate and I were doing our usual tradition of smoking a blunt, grabbing a bacon egg and cheese, and sneaking it into the Lincoln Square AMC theater. We’re stoned AF, giggling about something in line, when the guy in front of me turns around halfway and I notice it’s FUCKING MARK RUFFALO. I promptly exclaim,…

remember, kids: tucker carlson having a good nights sleep is scored significantly higher in value than jailing two year olds for being the wrong color

I once saw a man shit into a cardboard box while waiting for the L train. I now consider that the second most offensive thing I’ve ever seen in the subway.

NOT a gentleman. 

Tried that too. I think my face hair is possessed by a demon.

Because Sessions is grateful that Trump gave him the opportunity to oppress a bunch of brown and black people, so he's trying to do Trump a favor on the way out?

Seconded. I’m sure there was a good point in here, and I really wish I could spend time considering it, but it’s buried beneath an avalanche of bad-take.

Until all the sand is gone, I suppose

Yes.

OMG, who will we vote for now?! I guess I’ll have to write in BälSäc the Jaws ‘o Death and hope for the best.

“Micro rally”

In a world where you can have a family member say you’re a bigot in a reference check, and still becone a police officer... what would be saying enough?

Graham has always been a sub in search of a dom.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Yes, the absolute best way to fix a problem is to stand on the sideline and feel morally superior about it.

“But those kind of tasks can be hard for me to do if I’m not enthusiastic about it.”

none of these are valid excuses. All these ppl are morons and we are all going to die.