This is why parents have got to teach their sons to do their own damn housework.

I had been hoodwinked, bamboozled, conned, duped, flimflammed.

I’m a guy, and this horrifies me more than I can express.

I think it would be more startling in the daylight. Have you ever been to one of your favorite bars in the morning (likely to pick up the credit card you left at the bar the night before)? Bars look SO sad in the harsh sober morning light.

This is extremely well done. I think the double ampersand is my favorite bit.

Do you by chance have a self-published book and/or newsletter that I could subscribe to? I’m having a hard time relating to certain simpletons and I feel like this sort of writing would help.

Never “underestimate” the “power” of using random “quotation marks” to make people really believe you’re saying something “insightful.”

Can you link to your original story about Seymour? Or retell it here? I don’t know it/don’t remember it, and I need something supernatural and *happy* to balance out all the scary!

God bless the ART TEAM

And my axe!

Wages are stagnant and yet companies expect more and more of their employees’ time and energy, I swear. I work in a professional field - you need a masters or a doctorate - decidedly non-essential - and every month my employer thinks up some system that looks great on paper and saves someone a few bucks but puts more…

No doubt. I’ve recently actually noticed a clerk complaining about this out loud at a store (because well, what sane person wouldn’t be frustrated) and their manager being dismissive and shooing them away.

Ummm, yea. More evidence that the current dehumanizing corporations in fact very much *DO* need to be regulated.

Has never seen John Boehner? He’s cried publicly to many times to count.

motorized wheelchairs are generally a: Easier to control, b: slower, and c: exist for a valid reason.

Fun fact, the Judge is right but only by a coincidence. The founding fathers always intended to write that protection into the constitution but then John Adams started looking at Button Gwinnett in that way and then the whole meeting turned into this 8 way Daisy-Chain with pantaloons and bi-focals strewn about…

No, “Everything happens for a reason” people are the WORST people. I agree with the rest of your list though.

“Michelle and Ryan’s nups, which took place on a remote island in Thailand that could only be accessed by “traditional wooden long-tail boats,” had everything: escort cards calligraphed atop “foraged river rocks,” hand-dyed silk flags for no reason, food poisoning, bridesmaids that knew how to sing, and macaque…

No, I get it, cuz, see, my appendix is a definitely a lesbian and my right pinky toe identifies as pansexual but like that shouldn’t define me, ya know?

“We’re gonna round them up in a very nice way.”