We are going backwards at such a frightening clip that we’ll all be riding dinosaurs the way we did 5,000 years ago before you know it.

“(Kitten shown not included).” Bless you, Lillian Vernon.

There actually is a chance they’d have to give it back anyway, depending on whether it was looted from one of his businesses.

As a retail worker, it isn’t about effing killing baby Jeebus with heathen resolve. It’s about the sheer number of holidays in an incredibly short period of time. I wait on 500-700 people a single shift. Every time I customize a departing wish of well being, it sticks, for months. Fourth of July, Mother’s Day, or…

Every time you feel the need to post a comment, jog in place for 5 minutes instead.

no one asked your opinion.

Not sure, but I think we know who the village idiot is.

Just to clarify, I would not fuck Ditto the Pokemon.

Fucking Ditto.

And a couple more short ones, just because the plethora of weird sex dreams I have could become a novel.

1) I was fucked by the entire cast of Magic Mike on the floor while surrounded by the entirety of my male friend group from college (15+guys).

Leopard print belongs on leopards and leopards only. Irks me even more than the name.

Alex Trebek. We were going to town, sweaty and frantic and he kept yelling, “Who is....your daddy?” over and over again like they phrase it on Jeopardy. Suddenly he pulled out and I was standing naked in front of the studio audience, crying.

I celebrate it everyday by eating something with mayonnaise and singing along to European sea shanties. I’m kidding of course. I actually celebrate it by eating cheeseburgers and watching porn on the internet.

I read the “No poop or vomit stories” for what’s going to be the last time on this site and now I kinda want to send poop/vomit stories to the general Gawker tips email as a form of protest.

I can’t even read the stories because I’m stuck on the fact that you are leaving. Who will write about cops going nuts at the Waffle House? Who will tear into stupid Washington Post columnists who write dumb articles about tipping? What happens now?

Pinkham, I am not going to lie, yours was a blog I had looked forward to commenting on each week, and during the typical Monday struggles of a mundane office job your posts brightened my mornings. It was your blog where a comment of mine reached over 200 stars for the first time, and I had looked forward to the day I…

What?! NOOOO! We can’t lose Mark too!

I am going to miss you and your writing so much, Mark.

Thank you notes! Why are men incapable? I wrote all of my 150+ thank you notes - including to our mutual friends - within a month of the wedding. My husband’s relatives still have not received their thank yous several years later. He had under 10 people on his list. It really bothers me, but I refused to do it for him…