Stay Classy Timmy. What sick joy do you get out of writing this thing? There is nothing you will ever do (and I like your pieces generally) that will ever come this close to being that special. Pence was 3 inches away from making it into the books...so, please explain...why are you being such a douche about this?

Pretty weak of him to blatantly model one of the shirts from the new Joe Flacco Signature Collection.

That's why I don't trust surveys. Pot Pols can be dangerous.

Baby Got BAC

Prisco.

"a very cool stunt that I'd like to have documented by a reputable news outlet."

Habeas corpus is Latin, not Greek, and it means roughly "produce the body".

These smalltown judges don't even know what they're doing, I guess no one's heard of a writ of habeus corpus.

Jesus H Tapdancing Christ

I don't believe it. All you see when you look at this guy's history are stability and good decisions.

That's a melt down?

This is the closest the Jays will be to getting 7 1/2 back.

Is there a big sign on the wall at Deadspin that says "Bring down Simmons at all costs?"

I don't recall ever being offered a drink during any of my ER visits. Really could've used one, too, as I was usually losing my buzz by the time I got there.

THIS GUY is such a big Denver BRONCOS fan, he's wearing the BRONCOS' TEAM COLORS at a COLORADO ROCKIES' GAME!!! THIS GUY!!!

White Guy: [assists Africa]

LaGarrette sure knows how to spoil Chip Kelly coaching debuts.

Not bad, but we really should've been 18. If any country's conduct could be described as "barely legal," it's ours.

I think it depends on whether the word ends with an "-a" or an "-er." For example:

Even though there are beer cans on the table, you can't technically see what's in the cups. The circumstances don't look good, but there's no evidence under-21 year olds were drinking.