Nothing surprises me about how much a douche Papelbon is. This is a guy with a giant P tattoo on his lower back, after all.

Remember this next time anyone tries to give the average North American shit for not knowing who Xavi is or something.

Guys, guys, guys. Can’t we just Play Ball?

Put this bitch back in jail. Please!

Whoda’ thunk that Heathcott would provide John Sterling with his most unforced, genuinely good home run call:

“HE SLADE IT!”

Will Matthew Berry be my friend if I win? I really need Matthew Berry to be my friend.

I’d like to see Mike Francesa’s “OH MY GOD” in place of Verne’s:

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST!

“I CAN FEEL THE BUBBLES IN MY BRAIN!!!”

No, he threw the glove (or it was suspended in the air when the ball hit it). MLB Network broke it down in slow motion.

Good lord, search Urban Dictionary before you publicly embarrass yourself with questions like these.

Where do you get giant checks printed? And can Geno literally take it to the bank to cash?

I’m not joking when I ask... who the hell are any of those people supposed to be? I honestly have no idea.

He gave Geno some of that sweet chinedum music.

He came so hard!

If Ohio University wanted to be more efficient with how their money is spent, they could have just placed the $10,000 directly in a toilet.

Yet more proof that baseball players are the most fragile athletes out there.

From standing in the shade to receiving it in the 9th inning.

Is today Incoherency Awareness Day at The Concourse, or something?

To be fair, even after that barb (which really wasn’t that insulting), she continued to talk for almost 2 minutes. And she sounded a little bit tipsy as well. The boo’s grew only as she continued talking, giving an overly detailed count of her story. I’m sure that the fans were growing impatient that they were…