I would just run around spritzing everyone in the court room with my breast milk, you know to relieve the engorgement and to show them what a real MEGA bitch I can be when someone fucks up at my expense. SPRITZAHs for ALLLL Y'alllllll.

Did anyone else see her sing her fucking face off on SNL by the way? I couldn't believe it, I kept waiting for some Ashley Simpson shit to happen but it never did and she pretty much killed it. I had nothing but disdain for her before that but now I kindof don't any more.

I always wonder why my Boxer likes to drink his water...while he's in it. The other two dogs always look at him as though they want to throttle him, but they're too afraid to go near the water to do so.

Mastiff puppies grow up to look like this:

I was watching the Hey Ya! video this morning, and I thought, "What if Janelle Monáe and André 3000 collaborated for an entire album? They both already have the accent agiu going for them, they're both pocket-sized balls of talent and magnetism; the combination could possibly rule the world and usher in a new era of…

You! Into the dome!

Pfffffffff what-the-effing-freak-ever "RachBaDachel" (now officially the most annoying screen name in the history of all things Jez)!

Why would you assume everyone has seen it? Certainly everyone my age has but there are children who weren't even born when it came out.

If you're so disinterested in a movie you need an iPad to keep you in the theatre perhaps it's you, not the people who want to see a movie, who should stay home.

"If you don't want iPads around, stay home."

Not on your ipad, one hopes.

Congratulations! You're that person!

A movie theater would normally be one of the top most logical places I'd go if I had a keen desire to avoid ipads.

Gosh. You should really be banned from participating in society.

Maybe drink all but one can, and then make a fancy little wooden box with a lock on it that can fit on your mantle. During the holidays, you can bring it out of the box and make it part of your centerpiece so your grandchildren can gaze upon it's glorious neon can in wonderment, and you can sit around the fireplace…

The meanest thing I ever said was to two sorority girls signing up pledges for rush outside my dining hall. I politely said I wasn't interested, but they kept insisting, asking why I wouldn't just try it, telling me it was impossible to have a social life at the university if you weren't in the Greek system, etc.

As a black woman, I don't understand wanting to be a part of an organization that's supposed to stand for sisterhood and service that wouldn't want me because of my skin color. Like...no. No way, no how would I even be bothered with trying to rush/pledge what have you. This story doesn't surprise me, though.

Zach Morris and Tommy the Green Ranger were pretty much the entirety of my spank bank when I was 12-13 years old.

But seriously you guys, their little hands!!!