None of those things will ever happen. I'm sorry.

It only took me saying it to him 13,452 times for him to think of it.

“You’re a prison” is such a good comeback.

We’re still getting up and coming to work at Deadspin next week, my man. Senior Week is just a celebration of the 14 years of independence that are coming to an end.

More because he cracks me up

Speaking of dying, when senior week ends, what happens? I’ll need my Burneko fix somewhere. No disrespect to your colleagues, but you and Magary kill it on here. Does this just disappear? I don’t want to see Hamilton Nolan writing the sequel to the communist manifesto on stolen toilet paper in Grand Central. Tell me…

Boyfriend does this, tampered down from his original line “How you doin’?” Which I quickly killed. I sent him this post this ensued.

I have never had sex.

Seems a little weird/creepy to me.

hmm

Pool Tech here - This is embarrassing. Algae is easily controllable/preventable with proper chemical maintenance. One bottle of “Yellow Quell” would take care of this in 12 hours. I wouldn’t allow anyone to swim in this pool. Why the fuck exactly didn’t they make this an indoor facility?

I guess they win the “Greenest Olympics ever” title.

Soda water would be just as convincing and much more hydrating than carbonated sugar and quinine water. And I’d feel less bad about getting soda water for free than tonic water for free.

Drinking at an organized gathering of coworkers isn’t a party. if your boss is in attendance, you’re still on the clock.

As a zero drinks person for several years now, the visible difference between the 2 drinks people and the “as many drinks as possible” people is obvious, astounding and off-putting. I was a “why drink a beer when you can drink ALL the beers” kind of a guy for years. You have no idea how gross it looks until you see it…

Turn Down For What!

IF you’re 40, you don't have to take advice from millennial bloggers on the internet

I always liked Gin and Tonic because on the nights I wasn’t feeling it, I could switch to tonic and no one would notice the difference. Plus if you frequent a bar, you can generally get multiple tonics free. I usually made the switch on or after the second drink so “worst case scenario,” if someone buys me a drink,…

Right. two drinks. Whisky and Rum. The only two drinks I need.

The guy’s got diabetes and mainly consumed instant noodles, a combination that led to him being rushed to hospital.