While I respect the craft and the dedication, dude’s trying way too hard to pull off Hardy’s effortless puppy dog eyes. This is like Harvey Fierstein trying to emulate Pavarotti. It is very difficult.

No, I know. I’ve loved Elizabeth Banks for a decade plus. She's the best. And I was HOPING it would be a success because she's rad. But it looked fucking awful.

Exceeeeeeeeept for directing movies, evidently.

Fuck, tell me about it. I’m packing to go to Nicaragua tonight and I’m losing my mind.

It wasn't a complaint. I was just giving him shit because he's not a huge smoker. Everything is going to be okay.

Yep, and we don’t speak out as much because we feel alone and strange. I also dislike Steph Curry and I also don’t really know why. I think it’s that smirk when he does well, and that slumping “it isn’t FAIR” look he gets when he isn’t playing well.

I don’t know, but I know the 7 year-old me thinks the 32 year-old me has a GIGANTIC penis.

Wait, if the truck is doing 50, and the pitcher throws in the high 80s-low 90s, doesn’t the truckball outrun the truck? I’m also an idiot, so consider that as well.

We got all your good kush.

See, since I’m absolutely riddled with insecurities I need the dependancy of a dog to feel better about myself. Why get a cat when you can just get a roommate off Craigslist that will do all the same things AND pay half the rent?

I am not an anti-vaxxer, I DO think that parents should be allowed to choose their own schedules for vaccinations, but I am supportive of vaccines because I am a sane person.

No, living in White Center, Seattle, sure did.

“I’ve been on Tinder way longer than you, trust me”

Yep, since that Mortal Kombat/Super Bowl bit they did. You can even see Marshawn’s reticence when the bit starts, and eventually he's just dying at everything Conan does, and by the end you can tell he loves the guy. When he came out tonight it was that same look- that EAGER Marshawn look, where his eyes light up and…

You obviously didn't grow up around any Mexican gangbangers.

“Holmes.”

He’s probably a lot of fun to do all of his drugs with

WHAT. You are insane. My chest gets tight remembering scenes from the movies. I haven’t even played Isolation and I probably wouldn’t be able to get very far in it, due to cowardice, but with Oculus? Hell no. I would die. Fuck diapers or anything like that. I would have a heart attack and die.

Wait, did he say that every single object on every single planet was fully destructible? That...kinda makes the game even more nuts than it already is.